The media (and us) give Lindsay Lohan a hard time, but let's face with Dina Lohan as a mom you're pretty much fucked from the start. We came across this vintage oldie of LiLo as a child and upon closer inspection we realized that she had a french manicure. The words classy, respectable and age appropriate definitely spring to mind, but to be honest we're not that surprised...just look at the mother.
Ain't it shocking how much a blow dryer, bit of slap, some jewelry and a fancy frock can make you go from drab to fab. To highlight this point so perfectly we found this GREAT pic of actress (plain gal that got lucky) Reese Witherspoon while she was en route to the gym. Now we know she's always had alien-like forehead proportions, but it looks fuckin' rank from her side profile. Not much else we wanna say really cause we think the pic says it all...fuckin' dog.
Ooo we bet Kelly Rowland is PROPER fucked off that she got snapped lookin' like this the other day. The former Destiny's Child member (still clinging onto that fame) was pictured arriving at the airport in LA and let's just say the poor bitch has looked better. We're used to seeing it glammed up on The X Factor judging panel, but she looked like a cross between a monkey and a horse. We wish we'd been there cause we'd of ran up to her and yelled "Spaaaam" whilst we slapped her fuck off massive forehead. Bad times for Kel ennit!
Wowza! It really is a shame what insecurity and too much money can do to a middle-aged woman's face. Joan Van Ark from the classic TV show Knots Landing was snapped walking the red carpet at a charity event recently and IT looked like E.T. on smack. We can't decide if she looks 64 or not, but to be honest she just looks like a science project gone wrong. Sorry love but you look a fuckin' state and no man will wanna pork you with that face.
Just when we thought Janet Jackson had finally beaten her femons (food demons) we found this pic of the whale leaving the doctor via the back entrance...most likely cause she couldn't fit through the front one. Anyway the ghetto version of Free Willy has been keeping her head low lately (in a bowl of Cheetos) cause she's apparently planning a come back next year. We can't imagine what that would consist of, but as a rough guess we'd say weight loss, press about the weight loss, new album, sell out tour and then back to eating her feelings again. We'd be willing to put money on that too.
Poor old (we mean ancient) Jackie Stallone is not lookin' her best these days. Sylvester's mama (great grandma) was snapped making a VERY flattering face while she walked the red carpet at a charity event in LA recently. Erm, well we don't really know where to start. Let's just cut the shit though, she looks like she's been embalmed but somehow still attending events. The clown make up, gypsy jewelry and whale lips do nothing to help her fucked up face one little bit. Having money is a curse when it allows you to do this kinda shit to yourself!
Ooo now this is low we gotta say, but who else but the National Enquirer (and now us) to publish the LAST ever photo of Whitney Houston lying in her casket. Upon closer inspection the inside of her casket has the word "Nippy" sewn into the silk. We wonder if she's chilly or summink?
Now we know it's just a rumor, but apparently actress (chubby drug addict) Lindsay Lohan is being tipped to play the lead in the new Snow White remake. Judging by her outfit in the above pic you'd think she was trying to impress producers, cause she looked like a bloated white mess whilst strolling through the airport over the weekend. That hair color is just so wrong on her and her pasty white face and fish lips do fuck all to help. Seeing as she's now a Playboy model, we wonder if she'll have a raunchy scene in the new flick and get fucked by all the dwarfs?
We're shocked that we've managed to hold off from posting about actress (professional food taster) Gabourey Sidibe for so long, but this bitch is outta luck cause today we found this photo. Now we ain't saying it ain't talented but there is DEFINITELY a point between being just overweight and being a fat cunt. Gabby, you've even exceeded that point honey. The poor bitch was snapped at a recent charity event in NYC and it looked like a pile of whale shit in an orange tent. Is it just us or does she look like she's blind or trying to push out a turd in every photo? Maybe it's cause her eyelids are carrying so much excess fat they can't help but close. Whatever the reason this woman needs to get on a fuckin' diet and quick. Nice classy touch with the bra hanging out one side ennit.
Classy gal Daniella Westbrook was snapped leaving her dealer's flat the other night in a glam (tacky) dress and it looked like a right slapper. The actress (glorified gypsy) is trying to get her career (shit we choked) back on track after becoming a crack addict a few years ago. It don't look too bad we know, but the hooker eyebrows, fucked up nose and whale lips looked a mess. The poor thing would get her conk fixed but money ennit.
What the fuuuck is going on with Lindsay Lohan people? The actress (smack addict) was snapped walking around NYC the other evening and it looked a right state. We don't get why LiLo is still getting those RANK lip injections cause they're making the bitch look ridiculous. The white hair is also nasty and what's with the double chin and bloated facial features in every pic of her? Maybe it's a bit soon to make a Whitney reference, but surely by now we all know that a bloated face means they've got a spoon and a lighter hidden in their handbag. Wouldn't you all agree?
Holy shit, even we can't believe this is Heidi Montag! The former star from The Hills was snapped leaving a gas station in LA looking full on DOG rough. To be honest, we're actually shocked that she's got the cash to own a car what with her addiction to dental work (botched plastic surgery). Whatever she's been doing has clearly been taking it's toll cause it looks old, tired and bloated. Get rid of your LOSER husband girl and get down the gym.
Poor old Vicky B aka Victoria Beckham is looking proper tired these days ennit. The mum of (we think it's around 5 sprogs now) was snapped looking VERY chubby at a recent event in NYC wearing a STUNNING dress. Now we gotta say that Mrs Beckham looks great most of the time, but this outfit was just a total mess. The "natural" tan, protruding collar bone (fucking rank) and oily skin looked a right state. On a more positive note, we hear that Posh is apparently dressing lots of stars for the Oscars. We can just picture it...baby Harper sucking silicone from one of her tits, while she sits at her sewing machine banging out couture till the wee hours of morning. Ah she's such an inspiration!
Our best guess is that Madonna was thinking "fuck my life" when she got papped looking like this. The queen of pop (syphilis) was pictured arriving at the airport after her Super Bowl performance and it looked proper old ennit. We're not sure why Madge's cheeks look so sunken, but maybe she had jaw ache from giving so much head to get the gig in the first place?
What the FUCK is happening to Lindsay Lohan? The bitch turned up to the AMFAR gala looking like her manager (slutty mom) Dina on smack, and it looked like it was ready for a porno cameo on That 70s Show. The bloated face, coke colored hair and whale lips are making us scream no, no, no! We literally cannot believe it's only 25 years old. Get your shit together LiLo!
All joking aside, we are truly shocked and saddened by Whitney Houston's passing this afternoon. However, the above pics were the last to ever be taken of the star when she exited a nightclub on Thursday and let's face it, the poor thing looked like a coked-up mess. Does anyone else notice the pregnancy-like bump too? Such a wasted talent gone forever, our condolences go out to her family. RIP Whitney.
Over at The Sizzling Mess we don't usually waste our precious time writing about "waste of space" people such as Alexa Chung, but we just couldn't ignore the latest pics that surfaced. The talented "celebrity" who is best known for not eating was snapped arriving at the AMFAR gala in NYC and it looked like a right heffer. To compare, the pic on the left is from 2007 and we know her frame looks practically identical. Urgh just the sight of it's legs in 2012 is making us hurl, but what we don't get is why doesn't she eat? It's not like she's so successful and busy that's she's not got the time. We're gonna send her a t-shirt with the words "talentless and insecure" written on it for her birthday. We would of sent a cake but it's anorexic ennit.
Atlanta's "realist" housewife (divorced ghetto trash) NeNe Leakes looked a world away from her usual glam appearance on the hit Bravo TV show. We gotta say we do love a bit of NeNe cause the bitch could make a park bench laugh, but she was looking damn ROUGH whilst walking around NYC. The $5 hooker wig looked like a cow pie and we're pretty sure that even scarecrows have better quality hair. We secretly hope that Sheree Whitfield is reading this whilst laughing her ass off. Wonder if those earrings are paid for?
Yeah we're thinking the same as you...time is a right bitch. We genuinely did NOT make this photo worse than it is, so Pamela Anderson's make-up artist is either blind or hates the bitch. The former Baywatch star (slut with hepatitis) was snapped at a premiere in LA and it looked like coco the fuckin' clown. Didn't anyone tell Pam that pencil thin eyebrows were only for hookers? Oh wait, that means she's sporting the right trend though.
It makes us feel SO old that Mean Girls came out 8 years ago, but the movie put actress Rachel McAdams (Regina the bitch) on the map and since then she's overtaken bloated coke whore LiLo who played the lead role. Wow, that shit must be embarrassing for Lindsay. Unfortunately it wasn't a good night for Rach, cause she looked like a fuckin' tranny with a massive head. We'd be proper fucked off and fire the make-up artist quickly. You just can't find the staff ennit.
Now when it's scrubbed up it looks rather tasty, but fuck us hard and cum on us, cause we can't believe Katherine Heigl is so fugly minus the war paint. The Grey's Anatomy star looks like an alien with Chinese eyes and rotten teeth, which is a world away from her usual glam red carpet appearance. All we can suggest is that she carries a bag around with her at all times...just in case.
What a classy gal that Denise Welch is huh? The mother and TV presenter (slapper from Manchester) got her baps out whilst in the Big Brother house and it looked a right fess (fucking mess). On top of the tranny make-up, rank tits and beer belly, she simply proved that she's always been the slapper we thought she was. According to inside sources, she also got spit-roasted whilst in the hot tub, but Big Brother had to edit this out as they thought it may be too risque to broadcast. It would have boosted ratings though surely? Oh well, we suppose seeing a pig get gang raped isn't that hot anyway.
Why? All we wanna know is why Christina Aguilera continues to comfort eat, fake-tan, wear clown make-up and dye her hair a piss-colored shade of a blonde? It really did look like a walking whale in drag as it stepped out in Hollywood last night. The rumor mill is saying she's due to drop a new album (not another kid) very soon, but bitch needs to get her weight issues in check cause this sure as hell ain't gonna help her album sales. How many times have we gotta tell you Xtina...less is fucking more.
Dear oh dear, it looks like Natalie Cassidy still doesn't get that she should only leave her gaff with a bag over her head. The former Eastenders star was snapped walking around London with her daughter and once again it looked like a fucking tranny. The only new thing we noticed is her 20s flapper style haircut, although we have to say it looks fucking nasty and does nothing to make her face look less offensive. She would have plastic surgery but money ennit.
Now don't get it twisted cause we love us some Melissa McCarthy, but come the fuck on everyone knows that when you're morbidly obese you just can't be stylish. The fitch (fat bitch) was snapped at a non-food related event (shocker) in LA and looked like a ball of lard rolling down the red carpet. What repulses us so much about this photo is that the FLATTERING dress she wore perfectly highlights her pelly (pussy belly). We suppose it still scrubs up okay for a fattie.
Fuck us hard cause we just can't believe what Kelly Clarkson's stylist has put her in this time. The former Idol winner has become a right funt (fat cunt) lately and we just wish she'd put down the donuts and record a decent song already. Good old Kel wore a skin tight Herve Leger dress, which is a popular choice with celebs who like to show off their curves (fat). Unfortunately on this occasion it was another fail for the fattie and it's back to the drawing board or in her case the fridge.
Okay so it has a bangin' bikini bod, but we bet this shit cracked the paparazzi guys camera lens cause it looked truly DOG rough while on vacay. The overrated vocalist (ish) Florence Welch was snapped trying to strike a sultry pose which of course failed. We've never "got" what the big deal is with her shitty music and tranny-like features either. We'll admit that it's got some talent cause she clearly didn't blow anyone to achieve success, but that face reminds us of Felicity Huffman with a couple more shit genes thrown in. On a more positive note, her new album Tranny Clown With Downs will released in the coming months.
The queen of country Dolly Parton was snapped on the red carpet and she really did look like an over the hill human Barbie doll. The CLASSY wig looked highly flammable, her cheeks looked like an ass crack and her tits were giving Katie Price a run for her money. What have the fuck have you done to yourself honey? The bitch is only 65 and she looked like a waxwork figure of some cheap hooker. Less is more!
Fuckin hell this bitch is almost unrecognizable. Former TV star Jennifer Ellison was snapped having a splash around whilst on holiday in Skeggy and it looked like a right Scous slag. The poor bitches face used to be kinda cute, but now she looks more like a slutty (and fat) garden gnome. Surely if she looked in the mirror she'd do something about that RANK jeck (jaw neck) too? It's SO gonna release a fitness DVD in 6 months...watch this space.
If you've never seen it, this is the sight of a tired hooker. The "talented" Terri Seymour who was Simon Cowell's glorified escort for years was snapped walking around LA running errands and it sure looked DOG rough. The bitch looked like a fucked off vampire in need of a blood hit and can you believe this thing is 37. Maybe it's time to ask Simon for a bit more cash so you can get some work done love?
Jesus, when we saw this shit we almost screamed and then barfed up our lunch. Cameron Diaz usually looks bangin' at award shows, but this bitch was looking plain NASTY as she partied it up at the Golden Globes piss-up. Besides the fuckin' rank dress, that 9 year old boy cropped haircut is doing guuurl friend NO favors. We just feel that she looks like a cheap Polish post-op hooker. Lay off the weights too love cause those guns just look awful against that STUNNING dress. Bad day for Cameron ennit.
Wow, it really amazes us what a cancelled TV show can do to one's image. This lovely specimen of a being is Debra Messing although we like to refer to her as Debs. The now struggling actress was seen walking the streets of LA looking for scraps to eat, as according to industry sources Debs has blown most of her Will & Grace money on witchcraft training. Anyhoo the poor thing looked more like an astrologist than a Hollywood star. Maybe her next role could be as an extra in the new Witches Of Eastwick remake?
Okay so judge us all you want but we really liked Christina Aguilera in Burlesque, although we'll admit it was more about her screaming her head off than telling a story. What we found so fucking dumb is that her character Ali Rose made Christina look like the cheapest whore in comparison. Surely if Xtina didn't think it herself, Cher would have been like "you look so much better without white hair and 3 inches of slap love." Anyhow the CLASSY bitch was snapped leaving a restaurant on Chrismas Eve and once again she resembled a drag queen that needs a good scrub. How many times have we gotta tell you honey...less is more.
Isn't it weird that we've never posted about a man before? Well that might not be true, but we can't be fucked to go back and check. Anyway moving on, is it just us or does Mickey Rourke actually resemble a mummified corpse? The actor was pretty good lookin' back in his prime, but now his mouth looks like a gaping anus. Just don't leaving your house buddy cause you'd even give blind people a fright.
Just when you think STUNNER Khloe Kardashian couldn't get any more breathtaking, she leaves the house and the weather decides to make her look even more fugly. The reality TV star was carrying an exclusive Hermes handbag, but even that didn't detract from her pig face and witch hair. We're guessing this is what it looks like when a tranny poltergeist from the 80s goes on a shopping spree? Despite everything she looks pretty good for a man.
You'd think the above pic was of a cash-strapped mom in the 90s, but no it's talented (and fucking obese) Alicia Keys. The star was snapped walking around NYC doing some last minute Christmas shopping (mostly food related), and she looked like a walking denim commercial gone wrong. Now we know that the holiday season is here and she's a new mom (blah blah blah), but she really needs to put down the fuckin' turkey cause her thighs are evil. She's been looking DOG rough lately bless her, but at the end of the day we bet her clothes and her toilet hate her.
Do you all remember the cutie (above left) from Matilda and Mrs. Doubtfire? If you don't then you're just weird, but if you do then you'll have already hurled over the pic on the right. Yuh huh, that is what the poor fucker's turned into. Child actress Mara Wilson is now a proud college student and she looks like a lesbian who's more into nature than dick. We wonder if she regrets quitting her career to be normal? We sure as hell would have regrets cause her life could have been SO fun and full of court cases and drug charges like Lindsay. Whatever happens we just hope that she gets those teeth fixed if she does ever decide to return to acting.
Wow this bitch is looking fuckin' haggard and we were shocked to find out that it is in fact 90s hottie Sharon Stone. Back in her prime she was known for flashin' her gash, but in more recent times it would seem that she's turned into a lesbian from Iceland. The hair is just a big fat no, but to be honest she just looks rough and used. Showing your true age is inevitable, but with all the money she's got what's her excuse?
Calling all fatties! The uber talented (and fucking fat) Christina Aguilera was pictured walking (and struggling) around LA in what is believed to be a pair of leggings from her new clothing line aimed at obese women. We think it's a good business move on her part cause she's living proof that you can be morbidly obese and still wear fashionable (ish) clothing. She's a right crafty bitch too cause we know she only wears "flowy" tops to disguise the fact that she's been carrying around a food baby for the last 2 years. We love you Xtina but please just stop fucking eating and go record some decent music.
Okay well first of all Merry Christmas from The Sizzling Mess! Second of all, what the fuck is wrong with Mariah Carey? She has FULL ON let herself go lately and we're not letting it slide just cause she shat out twins recently. The talented vocalist (fat singer) was performing an MTV Christmas special, but according to insiders she just wanted to show off her new weight loss. Erm this is where we're confused though...we don't see any. She may as well have worn a t-shirt with the words "fallen from grace but in denial", cause she looked a HOT fuckin' mess. Back in the day Mariah gave a toddler a boner, but these days she's looking more like an alcoholic (note the wine glass) stripper who does stand-up to pay the bills. Oh and the double chin, sweat and ghetto jewelry did nothing to help.
We all know that Catherine Zeta-Jones has had many stunning photo moments, but in this pic somethin' is definitely wrong. The actress (gold digger from Wales) was snapped walking the red carpet in NYC and her make-up artist was clearly pissed at her. From the buck teeth that make us wanna give her some hay and ride her to her chin aids, this bitch has certainly had better days. Is her make-up slave so lazy that they just threw a ton of bronzer on her? The poor thing even tried to save the look with some CLASSY lookin' earrings from last year's Christmas cracker, but it was just a major fail. At the end of the day it's just a cheap Welsh slapper.
Paris Hilton seems to have been blessed with the most horrendous taste known to the celebrity world. The reality TV star (wealthy slut) was pictured walking around Aspen with her down-syndrome sister Nicky, and she looked like winter Barbie with syphilis complete with a tranny edge. We're not quite sure what she see's when she looks in the mirror, but we're gonna take a guess and say she owns a magic one that hates her. Seriously though, why did she pair that RANK coat with special needs shoes? Oh please honey, just quit being cheap and hire a decent fucking stylist.
Another day, another drug-fueled party for a waste of space. Ah the wonderful life of former IT girl (coke whore) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. The desperate fame whore was snapped leaving her drug dealer's flat in London and she looked like a hooker that had been gang raped and spat on. She really needs to get her shit together and get that mess of a nose fixed. Like we said this bitch gives dogs a bad name. Actually we take that back cause that's offensive to dogs.
Where the fuck do we start? Vera Wang who arrived in the US almost 100 years ago, now has a huge multi-million dollar wedding dress empire under her belt. However, in recent years she's kept on losing more and more weight to the point where she looks like a walking corpse. We know it's not the prettiest crayon in the box, but her arms are making us fuckin' hurl and we don't get why she used her hallway chandelier as a necklace in the above pic. She should really expand her diet beyond soya sauce smoothies and pile on a few pounds ennit. We wonder if it barks first thing in the morning?
Fuckin' hell Jess ya piling it on ennit? Former anorexic pop star Jessica Simpson was pictured signing autographs at the launch for her new Too Fat To Chew business venture. According to the whale herself, you can blend anything from strawberries (in her case doughnuts), transfer the contents to a drip bag, insert an easy-to-use needle into your favorite vein and bam you've got yourself a quick and instant food hit. No chewing necessary. We get that she's pregnant (fat), but it looks like this bitch is eating for 4 judging by the double chin and bloated facial features. Won't be long now until she's bed bound and getting sores everywhere. Yuck.
We just love to hate on Lisa Scott-Lee cause even though Steps disbanded like 50 years ago, she's still desperately clinging onto her "fame" and trying to achieve solo success. The bad drag queen is pictured above in a still from her crappy MTV show Totally Scott-Lee where her desperation is caught on camera. Never have we come across someone who wants a top 20 hit so badly. At one point during the show we thought she was gonna sell the clothes off her back to get her song played on Cheap FM, but sadly for her even they declined. Look on the bright side Lisa (urgh such a common name), you can always burn some copies of your album and then flog em at a car boot sale ennit?
Now we do love ourselves some Adele but cause she's morbidly obese and at risk of dropping dead anytime soon, we hope we can see it perform live one day. Anyhoo the singer (beached whale) didn't look so great whilst out to lunch with friends (eating again shocker) and we didn't realize it was her at first. She appeared to be wearing a beige colored tent, her rank greasy hair was tied up and it looked like she got so hungry she tried to eat her own lip. We can't help but notice that wherever she is, a glass of wine seems to follow, so we're inclined to think that not only is she a cake addict but also a piss head. Save ya money love and don't spend it all on food.
Well at least we all know that Photoshop is the reason Lindsay Lohan looks so good in her latest Playboy shoot. The actress (coke whore) was snapped arriving at court (what a fucking shocker) and she looked like Miss Piggy from The Muppets gone wrong. What the FUCK has she done to her face? The puffy cheeks, trout pout and double chin are a world away from her Parent Trap days. Never mind a deer, she looked like a fuckin' pig in headlights.
Okay we get that this isn't the worst pic out there, but even we had a hard time figuring out that it was "stunner" Cameron Diaz at first. The actress (overrated dog with nice legs) was snapped grabbing a smoothie after a hard day at the office (spa). To be honest, she looked like a Polish cleaning lady and she's well plain underneath all that war paint. We reckon that even Princess Fiona would put on some slap before leaving her gaff.
Classic beauty Jessy Nelson was brought to our attention by a reader (yeah we do have 'em thanks) and we're shocked to say that even we hadn't heard of her. We're amazed that the STUNNER never got kicked off The X Factor, cause the contracts clearly state "no dogs allowed". Anyway it was snapped leaving the ITV studios and Jessy looked like a Jersey Shore reject/Snooki's long lost lezza sister from Leeds. And that's being nice.