DON'T TRY AND EAT THE MICROPHONE TOO

Kelly Clarkson has always had a good set of pipes, but for some reason the singer and former Idol winner can never seem to stabilize her weight. It seems she's either Free Willy or Nicole Richie and we don't get why it's so hard for some birds? The poor thing really needs a new stylist too cause the person behind all her recent outfits is clearly holding a grudge.

[Image via WENN]

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER...

Can you actually blame Lindsay Lohan for the way she's turned out sometimes cause let's face it the mother ain't really much to go by is she? This is actually a vintage pic of the almost a-list again actress when she was papped clubbing it up with her mom, we repeat her mom just last year. This photo is nasty and wrong on so many levels and we just thank our lucky stars that LiLo finally saw the light and decided to go back to being a ginga bitch.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

DOES THIS THING NOT OWN A MIRROR?

Gemma Collins is really giving us a treat this week cause she left her gaff again to go to some tacky party in Essex and low and behold she looked a fucking state. The reality star (pig in a dress) appeared to have a major make-up malfunction cause her face looked red and blotchy and didn't match the rest of her lardish body. We've really given it to the whale lately but it looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards and then wanked on. How about you stay in more next week and eat from ya trough love?

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

BABE THE PIG WAS BASED ON THIS SHIT

Oh dear honey. Why does Gemma Collins continue wear clothing that's about 50 sizes too small for her? The reality TV star porker was snapped out to dinner with her whale of a boyfriend and it looked a fucking state. On top of having no neck and being so fat she's unworthy of love, she felt the need to show off her sausage legs so we could all bring up our brekkie. So considerate huh?

[Image via XPOSURE]

SLAVE TO FOOD IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT

Looks like there was a stampede over the weekend as Claire Richards aka the fat cunt from shitty pop group Steps was papped wandering the streets of London looking for food. We knew the bitch had weight issues but she's built like a fucking brick shit house from the waist down. As for the handbag we're pretty sure Coco Chanel would be turning in her grave and the sales assistant who sold her those jeans deserves a raise cause it must've given onlookers a damn good laugh. We'd love to hit it with a wet towel and hear the squeal.

[Image via MIRROR PIX]

LOOKS LIKE MISS PIGGY WORKS OUT

We can't help but feel sorry for Khloe Kardashian cause let's face it when your sister is Kim Kardashian, aka a famous walking sperm bank, you must constantly be reminded that you're fugly. What's even worse is that her other sister Kourtney, who has slight down syndrome features, still looks hotter than her. Anyway the unlucky in looks sister was papped leaving the gym in LA the other day and shocked onlookers with her make-up free complexion. Poor old Khloe looked like a pig in need of a spray tan and we're still unsure as to whether or not she hides the sausage. What do you think?

[Image via SPLASH]

LIZZIE MCGUIRE'S PILED IT ON

Like we've always said, time and having kids is a bitch to the female form. Hilary Duff recently shat out her kid and was papped leaving the gym (believe it or not) the other day in LA. Now we know that she's clearly got about 200 pounds more to lose, but she still looks solid as a fucking rock. Is she serious about her career or not cause good ole Vicky B was back to a size zero an hour after labor?

[Image via XPOSURE]

DOES KHLOE COUNT AS TWINS?

Fuckin' hell Khloe Kardashian packs one hell of an ass that's for sure. In fact we reckon this BEAST of a behind is capable of cracking a walnut. We don't really understand why she chose to highlight her slim frame by wearing skinny jeans, but we guess when you're as new money as she is who gives a shit. The businesswoman (erm pig) was papped leaving the doctor's office as she's rumored to be preggers and we'd be willing to put money down that she's having a whole litter. Jesus, those jeans are fucking sprayed on love.

[Image via XPOSURE]

MOVING INTO ANIMATION?

We can exclusively reveal (cause we made it up) that Kirstie Alley is in negotiations to lend her voice (not body) in the new movie adaptation of popular Facebook game Farm Ville. The actress (walking heart attack) has recently seen a rise in her popularity thanks to it's stint on Dancing With The Stars and according to sources she's so desperate for work she's even offered to voice the role of the pig. We've gotta say we love a fatty that can poke fun at themselves so we can't wait to see this shit.

[Image via FARM VILLE/OPRAH]

1994 CALLED AND IT WANTS IT'S PERM BACK

Oh honey, what the fuck have you got on now? Mariah Carey was snapped vacationing in Aspen over the weekend and it looked like she'd got stuck in a time machine. Is it just us or does poor Mimi always looks cheap and tacky no matter what she wears? The perm, ON TREND outfit and weight gain just looked plain bad and we think it's about time she hired a stylist who isn't related to Stevie Wonder.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

HAVING KIDS RUINS EVERYTHING

Jesus, what a difference 8 years can make huh? Former pop star (even that's stretching the truth) Jessica Simspon who's 2 years pregnant was snapped walking around Miami the other day and it looked like the Incredible Hulk. The poor bitch looked like she was about ready to shit out her baby on the street and not only is her belly expanding...it looks like every fucking body part has gone up 10 sizes. Jess is clearly one of those mom's who takes advantage of the "eating for two" excuse, as it looks like no food is off limits for the funt (fat cunt). She's a right sneaky bitch too cause even though she's just holding a bottle of Perrier, we know for sure there are donuts waiting in the car.

[Image via WIRE/SPLASH]

LAST HOLIDAY WEARING THIS WE HOPE

Now we know she's never been someone who you'd associate with class or money, so we're not too shocked to see Queen Latifah lookin' ghetto whilst on the beach in Barbados. The funny lady picked a feminine one piece for her vacay, but we're surprised she's not wearing a Speedo seeing as she's a big fat lesbo...allegedly. We do love the neck/ear tattoo she's got though...it's just SO classy.

[Image via SPLASH]

GENIE WILL NEVER FIT BACK IN THE BOTTLE

Why? All we wanna know is why Christina Aguilera continues to comfort eat, fake-tan, wear clown make-up and dye her hair a piss-colored shade of a blonde? It really did look like a walking whale in drag as it stepped out in Hollywood last night. The rumor mill is saying she's due to drop a new album (not another kid) very soon, but bitch needs to get her weight issues in check cause this sure as hell ain't gonna help her album sales. How many times have we gotta tell you Xtina...less is fucking more.

[Image via PACIFIC COAST]

THIS SHOULD NEVER BE A BRIDESMAID

Now don't get it twisted cause we love us some Melissa McCarthy, but come the fuck on everyone knows that when you're morbidly obese you just can't be stylish. The fitch (fat bitch) was snapped at a non-food related event (shocker) in LA and looked like a ball of lard rolling down the red carpet. What repulses us so much about this photo is that the FLATTERING dress she wore perfectly highlights her pelly (pussy belly). We suppose it still scrubs up okay for a fattie.

[Image via WIRE]

BREAKAWAY FROM YA EATING PATTERNS

Fuck us hard cause we just can't believe what Kelly Clarkson's stylist has put her in this time. The former Idol winner has become a right funt (fat cunt) lately and we just wish she'd put down the donuts and record a decent song already. Good old Kel wore a skin tight Herve Leger dress, which is a popular choice with celebs who like to show off their curves (fat). Unfortunately on this occasion it was another fail for the fattie and it's back to the drawing board or in her case the fridge.

[Image via WENN]

FROM BROOKY TO THE BEACH

Fuckin hell this bitch is almost unrecognizable. Former TV star Jennifer Ellison was snapped having a splash around whilst on holiday in Skeggy and it looked like a right Scous slag. The poor bitches face used to be kinda cute, but now she looks more like a slutty (and fat) garden gnome. Surely if she looked in the mirror she'd do something about that RANK jeck (jaw neck) too? It's SO gonna release a fitness DVD in 6 months...watch this space.

[Image via MATRIX]

IF I AIN'T GOT FOOD BABY

You'd think the above pic was of a cash-strapped mom in the 90s, but no it's talented (and fucking obese) Alicia Keys. The star was snapped walking around NYC doing some last minute Christmas shopping (mostly food related), and she looked like a walking denim commercial gone wrong. Now we know that the holiday season is here and she's a new mom (blah blah blah), but she really needs to put down the fuckin' turkey cause her thighs are evil. She's been looking DOG rough lately bless her, but at the end of the day we bet her clothes and her toilet hate her.

[Image via SPLASH]

THE VOICE WITHIN IS COVERED IN FAT

Calling all fatties! The uber talented (and fucking fat) Christina Aguilera was pictured walking (and struggling) around LA in what is believed to be a pair of leggings from her new clothing line aimed at obese women. We think it's a good business move on her part cause she's living proof that you can be morbidly obese and still wear fashionable (ish) clothing. She's a right crafty bitch too cause we know she only wears "flowy" tops to disguise the fact that she's been carrying around a food baby for the last 2 years. We love you Xtina but please just stop fucking eating and go record some decent music.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

YOUR DIET IS A HEARTBREAKER

Okay well first of all Merry Christmas from The Sizzling Mess! Second of all, what the fuck is wrong with Mariah Carey? She has FULL ON let herself go lately and we're not letting it slide just cause she shat out twins recently. The talented vocalist (fat singer) was performing an MTV Christmas special, but according to insiders she just wanted to show off her new weight loss. Erm this is where we're confused though...we don't see any. She may as well have worn a t-shirt with the words "fallen from grace but in denial", cause she looked a HOT fuckin' mess. Back in the day Mariah gave a toddler a boner, but these days she's looking more like an alcoholic (note the wine glass) stripper who does stand-up to pay the bills. Oh and the double chin, sweat and ghetto jewelry did nothing to help.

[Image via REX FEATURES]

THROW SHAMU BACK IN THE OCEAN

Fuckin' hell Jess ya piling it on ennit? Former anorexic pop star Jessica Simpson was pictured signing autographs at the launch for her new Too Fat To Chew business venture. According to the whale herself, you can blend anything from strawberries (in her case doughnuts), transfer the contents to a drip bag, insert an easy-to-use needle into your favorite vein and bam you've got yourself a quick and instant food hit. No chewing necessary. We get that she's pregnant (fat), but it looks like this bitch is eating for 4 judging by the double chin and bloated facial features. Won't be long now until she's bed bound and getting sores everywhere. Yuck.

[Image via GETTY]