DID MISCHA EAT MARISSA OR SOMETHING?

Okay seriously Mischa Barton what the fuck happened to you? The actress who was once known for playing regulation hottie Marissa Cooper in The OC was seen grabbing lunch in LA the other day and she's totes piled on the pounds. Even her poor dog looked on with an expression of disgust as she clutched at her burger and Starbucks drink. You need to ditch the junk food, hire a trainer and stop eating cause otherwise you're headed for Kirstie Alley territory.

[Image via X17]

THE REAL LILY SURE AIN'T A PRETTY SIGHT

Lily Allen is apparently making a return to the spotlight cause for some reason she thinks she's relevant and interesting. The truth is obviously that her savings account is getting low and she wants more $$$ cause she's a fashion whore who lives beyond her means. Anyway the pop star (trying to not laugh) was snapped leaving a club the other night in London and the poor bird looked like a rough mom who needed some sleep. Also is anyone confused by the lyrics in her latest song Sheezus cause it would seem that she believes she's in the same league as some pretty big singers and it's just erm a little awkward cause she's Lily Allen?

[Image via XPOSURE]

GRAMMY FOR THE MOST UNRECOGNIZABLE...?

Seriously what the ACTUAL fuck Madonna? What in God's name have you done to your face and bitch would you please just ditch the grille already cause it ain't even cool to copy Hannah Montana with an STD...that's right you know who. The alleged queen of pop was snapped walking the red carpet at the annual Grammy awards...with a cane can we add, but we're told she only needs to do this when it's damp cause it makes her dodgy hip play up. Anyhow fellow gay icon and singer Cyndi Lauper presented an award at the show and looked equally strange to be honest. Both of their faces are puffed up and bloated beyond recognition and we just don't understand how they think this looks good. Such a shame when you know you're career is slipping like quick sand and you can't do a thing to stop it cause you ain't relevant. Bad times for Madge and Cyndi ennit.

[Images via AP]

MORE LIKE DYKE UP YOUR LIFE!

It's kinda shocking that we've never featured Mel C on The Sizzling Mess before, but when we clapped eyes on the above snap of her jogging around London recently her luck ran out. What the fuck is it wearing for a start and we know you're only running love but did you need to dress like a butters dyke who's partially sighted? We're not really sure what she does anymore but she could totes do with some ProActiv too.

[Image via INF]

YOU AIN'T 25 YEARS OLD ANYMORE HONEY

Seriously what the fuck does Madonna think she looks like? The singer was snapped vacaying in Italy recently and for some reason she thought it'd look cool to sport a grille like Rihanna. We would of referenced Miley but it doesn't work on that bitch either...another story in itself. Anyhow the past-it slapper appeared to have had a little more work done to her famous mug cause her cheeks were plumped up like hell and it's pretty much impossible for a 55 year old to be wrinkle free. It's a shame she's so irrelevant now, but maybe if she ditched the hooker look and went for something more age appropriate audiences would start to embrace her again?

[Image via AP]

WHEN IS THIS BITCH GONNA STAY INDOORS?

Poor old Natalie Cassidy never learns that whenever she steps out people are gonna hate on that mug. The broke actress was papped on a run (no joke) around London the other day and it looked rough as arse holes while pacing the pavement. Sporting her usual downs appearance complete with no make-up and rank Scouse brows it looked a right mess. We can't wait for the follow up fitness DVD cause it'll be a right laugh.

[Image via DRAPER]

HOW IS GOD REAL IF THIS SHIT HAPPENS?

Do y'all remember watching Tarzan and paying more attention to Brendan Fraser's rock hard abs (bulge) than the shit storyline? Well fast forward almost 15 years and this is what it's become...chubby, pasty and oh so NOT hot. Such a shame when hoy guys let go of themselves cause how else are they going to gain respect in the world without their killer looks? Anyhow aside from the thinning hair, muggs (man juggs), beer belly and Muppet-like face, we'll give him credit for at least covering up cause  that torso without coverage would be a sight for sore eyes. Oh and is it just us or does he look like he enjoys gay kiddy porn?

[Image via WARNER BROS/WENN]

WE'RE HOPING NOMI WOULD STILL BE HOT

Surely you all remember that fabulous Oscar worthy movie Showgirls starring sexy slut Elizabeth Berkley from Saved By The Bell? Well if you don't you're not very cultured cause it's definitely a movie that intellects rave about. Anyway in the movie Liz portrays this whore of a stripper called Nomi and as you can see she'd have given a dog a boner, but fast forward to 2013 and things ain't looking so pretty. The days the poor bird doesn't get much work, which is probably cause it's bordering on tubby to say the least and we get that she represents the "average woman of today" but we simply don't care. Now she doesn't look THAT bad, but it sadly resembles any other chubby new mom who's too lazy to shift the baby weight and we want to look at unattainable and unrealistic. We don't think this is too much to ask of celebrity mothers, but at least this proves that kids are the root of all weight gain (evil) yet again.

[Image via MGM/SPLASH]

EXERCISE WON'T FIX THIS SHIT HONEY

Alicia Douvall is one of those gals who's famous for doing fuck all besides being a slut. The former models (yeah right) was papped running around her local park in London and it certainly doesn't photograph well these days that's for sure. The trout pout, bloated face and balloon tits just don't work when you're like 60 years old. It's kinda embarrassing to look this bad and be totally irrelevant.

[Image via ISO]

HOW DOES RICHARD PORK THIS THING?

Holy shit balls! This STUNNING pic of past-it Judy Finnigan is gonna give us some fuck off nightmares that's for sure. The former host of that shit show Richard & Judy was seen running errands around London recently and not only did it look fucking scary, the bitch looked truly BUTTERS to say the least. We're sorry but her husband is way hotter than her and there's no way he's fucking this unless he's cheating on the side. Fuck though...put on some slap next time you leave ya gaff.

[Image via GETTY]

IS THIS BITCH EVEN BLACK ANYMORE?

No you're eyes aren't fooling you, this is in fact ghetto rapper bitch Lil' Kim but these days it would seem she's been taking tips from La Toya cause it's going whiter on us by the day. The past-it singer was seen leaving a club in NYC recently and to be honest it could've easily been mistook for a Chinese take-out owner in drag. The fucked up eyes, swollen face and trout pout don't look good honey so maybe you should take some beauty tips from the younger and better you aka Nicki Minaj. Oh yeah we went there.

[Image via SPLASH]

GERMAN BITCHES SCRUB UP PRETTY WELL

Diane Kruger like many other German imports always look boner inducingly hot when they're covered in slap, but when it's all peeled off they make even Mila Kunis look naturally pretty. The actress (erm what's she done) was papped grabbing coffee in LA over the weekend and it looked so dog rough that apparently several paps had to get that camera lenses replaced. Also it ain't the war anymore love so get a good meal down ya cause we could literally drive through those rank legs.

[Image via FLYNET]

GERI SO HIRED THIS TO WALK PAST HER

You know you're a desperate nobody when you hire regular fatties to walk past you in the street thus making you look hotter, but we're onto you Geri Halliwell and those kinda cheap tricks just won't fly with us. The former Spice Girl was papped on the school run with her many sprogs and we gotta say it did look good seeing as it's like 50, but it reminds us that every woman could look this good if she chucked up after every meal so it's kind of a downer too. Did y'all notice that the pissed looking stranger in the great outfit is like 3 times the size of Geri?

[Image via GOFF]

THOSE BEAUTIFUL LYRICS ARE JUST LIES...

Christina Aguilera clearly doesn't own any mirrors cause bitch has full on PILED it on these past few years and nothing is changing for the better. The diva bitch singer was seen en route to lunch (shocker) in LA recently and even her dog was pictured gagging whilst watching the whale walk away. We really don't know what's going on in Xtina's head, but bitch really needs to get her jaw wired up pronto and hit the gym cause when you're not relevant and morbidly obese you've gotta work extra hard to make those sales. Just sayin'.

[Image via X17]

HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY SHIT OUT A KID?

We don't usually hate on people that ain't relevant but even Peaches Geldof deserves some blog inches every now and then. The "we don't know what it does D-lister" was seen attending some shitty fashion show during London fashion week and it looked full on REXIC and not in the good Nicole Richie way either. On top of looking like she's about to eat her own head, one of the bitch's tits is bigger than the other and those shoulders are sharper than a Leona Lewis note. Get a cheeseburger down ya neck love.

[Image via WENN]

HOW DOES THIS BITCH JUDGE TALENT?

How in God's name did Amanda Holden aka the slapper with a good business brain land the gig of a judge on TV show Britain's Got Talent? The cheap whore was papped arriving at auditions recently and it looked as though the poor bitch walked out of a bad 80s time machine. The bangs and hooker outfit just solidify our theory that she's a cheap tart with zero talent herself. Just sayin'.

[Image via FLYNET]

LOOKS LIKE A FLOP ALBUM TAKE IT'S TOLL

Poor old (more like ancient) Madonna just can't catch a break these days cause on top of having a flop album and a flop movie, she was snapped recently walking around NYC and looked like a fucking freak. The religious whore decided to wear a tracksuit complete with brogues, a puffer jacket and a beanie hat resembling pig ears. Now we're not if she wanted to look like a twat, but it's safe to say that she succeeded if this was her intention. Just sayin'.

[Image via INF]

WE LOVE A GIRL WITH A STRONG JAW...

Now we get that Solange ain't the worst looking thing in the tool box, but she ain't got shit on Beyonce when it comes to the looks department. The singer (coat tail rider) was seen arriving at a charity event in NYC over the weekend and the bitch's afro took up most of the space on the red carpet. According to insiders Solange was seen putting crackers into her hair on several occasions, which leads us to believe that she's renting out rooms in her fro for cute robin birds to nest in over the holiday season. Talk about cute! On the other hand, does anyone else think she looks like a black Lurch?

[Image via GETTY/THE SIZZLING MESS]

EVEN GRANDMA'S GET ERECT NIPPLES

Okay so we get that Goldie Hawn is almost 70, but what the fuck has she done to herself? The once hot blonde bombshell was seen playing tennis with a bunch of other senior citizens and she looked almost unrecognizable. The flat hair, liver spot ridden skin and fucked up face tell us that years of plastic surgery abuse are finally catching up the actress. Let's hope that Kate Hudson can learn something from this shit too.

[Image via RPA]

FUCK SUSAN...WHAT HAPPENED TO BROOKE?

What the fuck is going on with bitches in Hollywood these days? Brooke Shields was papped wandering the streets of NYC recently and it looked rough as arse holes to say the least. The actress (TV more than movies) has fallen off the radar lately and after seeing this we're not so surprised. Maybe if she scrubbed herself up a bit she get offered a few more roles in stuff besides Tena Lady commercials. Just sayin'.

[Image via REX FEATURES]