WHAT WORLD ARE YOU LIVING IN MARIAH?

Okay so it's well known that Mariah Carey always employs a body double or just airbrushes herself to shit on her album covers but this one takes the fucking cake. Everything about her body on the left has been digitally altered and then on the evening that this photo was released she was dumb enough to wear a skin tight black dress to her album launch party which of course revealed the truth. Mariah has always been a foodie and we're guessing that getting into that black dress was like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. The poor woman needs to realize that she's a big bird and just live with it or she should just starve herself like Xtina.

[Image via DEF JAM/SPLASH]

TANNING MOM MUST BE BLIND IT'S OFFICIAL...

Patricia Krentcil aka Tanning Mom always brightens our day cause we love that she thinks she actually looks good enough to leave the house looking like this. Anyone who thinks this is presentable should be sectioned under the mental health act cause she looks like a $2 hooker with chlamydia and that's being nice. We just don't understand how that patchy tan can go unnoticed when she looks at her reflection in the mirror...well unless the cracks in it cause a blur. Seriously though go buy a loofah and some industrial strength scrub and take a shower cause you look disgusting.

[mage via MEDIA PUNCH]

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS SHIT HONEY

Lauren Goodger is either really clever and has a fitness DVD in the works or she's just a fat mess who's more deluded than Madonna is about her career. The former TOWIE star was papped "working out" in clothing about 50 sizes too small and it really did look evil. To be honest we pity the poor onlookers who were trying to do their daily workout without bringing up their lunch. We just can't think of any men who would want to procreate with this mess.

[Image via FLYNET]

DOES THIS SKANK NOT LEARN ANYTHING?

Seriously does Lauren Goodger actually think resembling a perma-tanned pig is a good look cause we're confused? The whale was papped leaving a club in Essex (classy) the other night and as per usual she was sporting another ill fitting outfit, thunder thighs and huge color differences all over her body. You'd think that with money and seeing yourself pretty much everyday in pap shots would be enough to tell you that you're failed beauty routine needs reassessing. Just sayin'.

[Image via LUMINOUS]

YOU AIN'T 25 YEARS OLD ANYMORE HONEY

Seriously what the fuck does Madonna think she looks like? The singer was snapped vacaying in Italy recently and for some reason she thought it'd look cool to sport a grille like Rihanna. We would of referenced Miley but it doesn't work on that bitch either...another story in itself. Anyhow the past-it slapper appeared to have had a little more work done to her famous mug cause her cheeks were plumped up like hell and it's pretty much impossible for a 55 year old to be wrinkle free. It's a shame she's so irrelevant now, but maybe if she ditched the hooker look and went for something more age appropriate audiences would start to embrace her again?

[Image via AP]

ISN'T LAVENDAR POISONOUS TO DOGS?

Kelly Osbourne is well known for switching up her hair on a regular basis but the latest color the fatty boom boom reality star has opted for doesn't really do her any favors. The fitch (fat bitch for those who aren't up to date with our lingo) was papped arriving at Chicago airport, cause she apparently got forced out of LA for being too talentless. No, we're jesting but that would be kinda funny wouldn't it? Apparently it's working on releasing a new book entitled Riding On The Coat Tails Of My Common Parents, but we're told that it's just a working title so things could always change. What are your thoughts?

[Image via X17]

DOES THIS THING HAVE LEUKEMIA?

Usually you'd think that losing 300 pounds would make a person more attractive, but in the case of STUNNER Perez Hilton it doesn't seem to have worked. Along with his new found and annoying as hell fake positive attitude to life (please bitch), he seems to have morphed into some sort of alien cause all the weight loss has made his head look fucked. Now we are pro-gay for sure, but for some reason he looks sick...like he has HIV or something?

[Image via COCO PEREZ]

THE SOCIAL CLIMBING GISELE

We love a good Real Housewives binge, so who better to hate on other than Real Housewife and "supermodel" aka deluded transvestite Alex McCord. Since her (his) debut on the Real Housewives, the fugly social climber has done nothing except OFFEND us continually with her "unique" bone structure. C'mon let's be real, this thing is so far beyond deluded it's ridiculous. Still, we're guessing she's giving model agencies all over New York something to laugh about. Replace all the magic mirrors in your "classy" Brooklyn townhouse (Alex & Simon are secretly embarrassed they can't afford a brownstone in Manattan), buy some new ones (don't forget to peel off the protective film), study yourself without barfing, and then next season just admit you're fugly and OWN it like Oprah.

[Image via Bravo]

THE UNFORTUNATE SIBLING

Oh dear, it must have taken MAJOR guts to leave your house lookin' like this sweetie. Once again, Khloe Kardashian effortlessly rocks the HOT SHIT MESS look with ease. It's so convenient cause when we've no idea who's gonna be our next sizzling mess, good ole Khloe shows through for us and steps out in public. Gotta love how the fans in the pic are waiting for the "real goods" aka Kim K to walk past. That's gotta hurt but never mind Khloe, there's food waitin' for you in the limo.

[Image via Coco Perez & National Photo Group]