We're pretty sure that if Eva Longoria's character Gabrielle were to see this mess of a being she'd be shocked too. It's hard to believe that these two are the same person, but the image on the right is in fact Eva pre-photoshop and minus her usual 10 inches of slap. Urgh she looks TRULY vile and more like a Colombian maid than a fancy housewife (slut). Wonder what her bosses will think over at L'Oreal?
Back in Kim Zolciak's big poppa days she truly did (and sometimes still does) look like a FUGLY hooker in drag. Her natural looking locks, immaculately applied make up and beautiful bone structure truly do OFFEND our eyes, but maybe (for some fucked up reason) she thought she looked SHIT hot at the time. Did we mention that she was 29 when this photo was taken? Yuh huh, that's right 29. Shockingly we didn't miss off a zero. Oh, doesn't it look just DIVINE how her tresses ($2 wig) reflect the light?
Ooo someone shoulda told Will & Grace star Debra Messing to stay indoors. The actress looked fucking DOG ROUGH when photographed leaving a hair salon in LA. Yuh huh, Debs actually PAID to look this rough and have rank hair. Wonder if her hair stylist was high or just hates her crappy acting? By the look of her outfit she might wanna consider firing celebrity stylist (bag of bones) Rachel Zoe. What a classy get up Rach put her in huh? When you're naturally fugly the BEST thing to wear is a faux leather bow wrapped around your waist. Nice finishing touch Debs.
We had to do a MAJOR double take when looking at these photos of reality TV star (slut with herpes) Kim Kardashian. The girl certainly doesn't have her signature sparkle minus the 12 inches of slap, but she looks like she's ready to audition for a part in The Hobbit. We really are growing tired of this businesswoman (double penetration whore) who lends her name to anything from Skechers to Tena Lady. C'mon Kim just release your second sex tape already, we know you've actually got TALENT when it comes to being on your knees for 8 hours.
There ain't many (recent) sizzling mess photos of Victoria Beckham aka Vicky B, but we felt that the (naturally) skinny "designer" looked common as muck with a slight slapper edge in this one. Looking at these (natural) melons just makes her look more of a twat for ever denying she had bap surgery. The "excessively talented" B- Lister (no Vicky you'll never make A) was seen vacationing in Marbella when the FLATTERING pic was snapped. Oh, don't they look subtle in that CLASSY top? We know she secretly wants to pretend like these photos don't exist, but we just can't let them slide.
It's already Kardashian time again, but it's just IMPOSSIBLE for us to not comment on this cover that STUNNER Khloe Kardashian did back in January. We swear to God...Kris Jenner must have DIED (and not in a Rachel Zoe way) when she shat out this MESS of a being. As you can see the better looking version of Kim K got shot (we wish literally) for the cover of YRB magazine (National Geographic), but she looked like a pig version of Adam Lambert minus the acne scars. We can't think of an explanation, but for some reason her face just sends us into a deep state of depression. Rumour has it that "designer" Christian Siriano custom made the GaGa esque outfit to have built-in food compartments on the shoulders, hence the raised effect, in case Little Miss Piggy got peckish during the shoot.
We love how Kathy Hilton pretends to be so classy and old money when really she's just trailer trash from Idaho complete with a failed acting career. The housewife (former slut until marriage) was seen partying in Las Vegas with STUNNING (special needs face) daughter Nicky Hilton, and boy did she partaaay. Kathy appeared to have forgot (not put on) her bra, but didn't she know they're a legal requirement for women over 75? Especially when you're puppies (thanks to a Beverly Hills surgeon) are that mahoosive. Gotta love a mom who lives their life through their children (listen up Dina Lohan & Tina Spears), but we're sure Paris is ETERNALLY grateful that she leaked her sex tape.
Vanessa Feltz is a relative unknown when it comes to the world of celebrity, but the SLIM D-Lister (lower than low) was photographed a while back en route to work after having made several pit-stops at Gregg's. We'll take a rough guess and say she probably got dressed in the dark, unless she (questionable) intended to look like a bloated pig in a mini-skirt from The Muppets. Oh Vanessa, we'd KILL to have your figure.
Although highly embarrassing of us to admit, we were taking a dump when we got the inspiration for our next post. In case you're wondering what gave The Sizzling Mess it's next idea, we can reveal that it was none other than the thought of Renee Zellweger's "tile" aka turd smile. There's no hiding the fact that what we just confessed to isn't disgusting, but really study the above photo (without lying to yourself if you're a fan) and tell us we're not crazy. Renee is an odd looking gal, but we've always been very miffed as to why her smile portrays such pain and discomfort. If she needs an extra buck or two, she should use her TRAFFIC STOPPING looks to endorse products aimed at constipation. Just sayin'.
A couple years back, a show called The Fashionista Diaries came out on Soap (a network that no one cares about), and the above TRAIN WRECK is the one and only Nicole Amendolare. Nicole was in WAY over her head with the Fashionista crowd, however she was definitely the most stunning cast member. She always (never) showed up to work on time, arrived in a full face of (flawless) make up and always wore her trusty Juicy Couture ensembles complete with Walmart (that's Primark for you British folk) flats. As you can see, she's also partial to wearing CLASSY Juicy tracksuits while bummin' around from the comfort of her "multi million dollar" house in Queens, New York. From the on-trend headband to the (expensive) gold jewellery, everything is wrong here. On a more positive note though, it seems that Nicole has started a whole new sub genre of MESS. It's what we'd like to call "mav" aka mafia chav. Good luck with your new job at Taco Bell!
No, this isn't an unpublished image from The Muppets archive, it's class personified Real Housewives Of Atlanta star (pig) Phaedra Parks. There's a lot to look at here, but we think it's safe to say that Donatella Versace spent the night at Phaedra's, drank way too much and then threw up everywhere in the morning. After being puked on it looks like she borrowed one of Donatella's STUNNING (disgusting) Versace blouses (albeit 30 sizes bigger). Don't forget to really study her FLAWLESSLY applied make up by the way. Urgh, everything about this photo screams "new money" (or no money) and it looks like a poor-man's Buckingham Palace on a VERY tight budget. Wait hang on though, what is Donatella Versace doin' in Atlanta?
Since losing 200 pounds on Dancing With The Stars, Kelly Osbourne's career has (apparently) soared. The semi-reformed fatty has tried everything from presenting (she's a natural) to trying to look sexy (and failing) for Madonna's clothing line Material Girl. Now she's not the biggest mess out there granted, but there is something VERY disturbing about the size of this bitches head. Talk about disproportionate. Anyhoo, we think the drag queen troll should get in touch with the Cabbage Patch Kids creators and cash in on her "fame" while it lasts. On the other hand it could make the companies sales decline, cause if we had to look at dolls with Kelly's (deformed) head attached to them, our eyes would be pretty offended. We want the old (obese) Kelly back!
Although these photos are vintage, you gotta hand it to ultra DOG ROUGH slapper Michelle Heaton for even leaving her (council) house. Like good ole Natalie Cassidy, it don't matter whether she's Victoria Beckham or Kirstie Alley, she is just plagued with a ROUGH lookin' mug (entire body). We were even more appalled to learn that Michelle (quiver) opened a personal styling company (we're serious) back in 2009. Word is that she initially found the workload too stressful, what with juggling the company and her shifts at River Island, but apparently this was solved by cutting down her hours. Well a girls gotta pay the leccy bill somehow! She's just TOO beyond in every way for us to comment further.
Donatella Versace really is a BIZARRE (and that's polite) lookin' thing, but we can't figure out why all these bitches resort to excessive amounts of plastic surgery? Granted, maybe Donatella has improved (looks wise) since birth, but what does she think she looks like now? It looks like something that Kim Zolciak wants to resemble when she's 76, albeit 300 pounds more of facial fillers. If we're honest, we didn't post a photo of her full body cause we knew it'd just get taken down. Seeing her in a Versace (may as well be Peacocks at her DOG level) bikini is enough to make anyone hurl. You can picture it clear enough we think...tits so saggy she could use them as slippers. Oh and no, the above photo has NOT been photo shopped. Yuh huh, DOG rough.
She's attractive, she's glamorous, she's age-defying, but what a lot of people don't know about Countess Luann De Lesseps is that she's (or he's) desperately struggling to cover up her (his) gender past. The world knows her (him) as the deepest speaking Real Housewife Of New York, but under all the facial shaving and penis flattening, is it really worth it Luke? Sorry, we mean Lu Ann. It's too bad that a VERY scandalous photo (above) was leaked recently, but maybe Bravo could start a Real Transgender Housewives franchise? Don't be embarrassed Lu Ann (Luke), you're opening doors for all the other Lea T's out there. Anyway, she's (he's) a divorced slut now who fucks a different French guy every week. Does she (he) even qualify as a "housewife"...? Money can't buy you class, but it sure can buy you sex reassignment surgery.
Not sure we know what to make of this human (if you can even call it that), but The Only Way Is Essex star Chloe Sims has seriously fucked up her face. God knows why, but for some reason Lea T's cousin decided to go make up free for the NOW! photo shoot. Note the "classy" breast implant scar under her arm. We're in a state of confusion so deep that we can't fully hate on the Donald Duck lookalike all that much, but hey perhaps her natural beauty (botched plastic surgery) could help her become an extra for that new Alien movie?
We really don't get why the BEAUTY that is Pixie Geldof is famous either. Well besides being Henry Holland's underage fag hag, but hey we enjoy educating our reader(s). The poor-man's version of Kelly Osbourne (and that is LOW) was seen arriving at the Glamour Awards in London (amusingly ironic) and IT looked like a Chinese lesbian. We ain't got a clue as to how this heroin addict lookin' MESS (allegedly) got her hands on an invite, but we're happy she at least ditched the Doc Martens for the (fancy) event. Hope she didn't get home too late what with her HECTIC "career" and all.
She really is spoiling us now by leaving her house twice this week, but here at The Sizzling Mess we never complain. Good ole Natalie Cassidy (Sonja) was once again photographed outside her (daily) Weight Watchers class wearing white (yes WHITE) capri pants, which did a FABULOUS job of flattering her slimline thighs. Wonder why she ain't shifted the baby weight yet? Perhaps she should look to Victoria Beckham for some diet motivation and just STOP eating. On a happier note, Nat is apparently being tipped to play the lead role in a West End adaptation of 2002 movie Dogville. We're gonna go out on a limb here and guess she's playing the dog.
It's comforting to know that D-Listers will always be there for the EVEN LESS fortunate to have a laugh. At the Larry Crowne premiere in London last night, former Iceland spokesperson (coke addict) Kerry Katona was seen on the red carpet along with some wannabe WAG mess who had THE most natural lookin' tits we've ever seen. Michelle Heaton was unfortunately nowhere to be seen. Anyhoo it looks like Kerry is slowly piling it back on again, but we suppose for a D-Lister it ain't that big of a deal. Is it just us or does Kerry look like the spittin' image of a New Look employee? Gotta love a good ole northern mess.
Well, we're not even sure where to begin with this one. Kelly Killoren Bensimon who stars in the Real Housewives Of New York City doesn't necessarily come to mind when you think of a "hot mess", but fuck me she is THE biggest emotional mess we've ever seen. If you've ever been fortunate enough to sit through an entire episode (take our word - it's worth it), you'll know that she's a housewife (single mom) who does a bit of "modeling" on the side to pay for her psychiatric bills. Granted, she's in good shape for shitting out a couple kids, but she's kinda butch lookin' and we've always wondered if she's a Luann (transsexual in denial). We highly recommend you watch season 3 of the show cause it's something you'll wanna see before you die. At the end of the day, you gotta give a transgendered gal credit for still bein' a fame whore.
We've been MAJOR fans of Tabatha's Salon Takeover since it's debut on Bravo, but one particular episode and ANIMAL of a being has stayed in our minds ever since. May we introduce you to the jaw dropping beauty of Stacey. The stunning stylist can be seen working at Images Salon in New Jersey, which is conveniently located between a CVS and a Dunkin' Donuts. Do however be advised that if you plan to visit, you're not able to take photos due to the camera flash making her go NUTS! And yes, we do mean a full-on foaming at the mouth fit. You gotta at least give the girl props for getting up everyday, doing her (flawless) make up in the mirror, and then STILL having the guts to leave her trailer and go to work. We are however lovin' her "nattoo" aka neck tattoo (the classiest of areas to have inked), and the next time we go get our herrr did we'll be sure to ask for "The Stacey" aka a skinned skunk covered in shit. Luvsit!
Wait, is that a giant ball of pubic hair or is it the RICHEST Real Housewives Of New Jersey cast member Teresa Giudice? Never before have our eyes seen a Real Housewife (human being) with SO much hair, and the fact that her hairline starts on her eyelids just pushes the ick factor. She always seems to resemble a dirty Mediterranean troll/hobbit that needs to wash off her fake tan, and the candy wrapper style outfit, drag queen make up and HAIR do absolutely nothin' to help. Wonder if she coughs up hair balls too?
Does anyone remember that TV show The Paper on MTV back in 2008? If any of you watched it, you surely to God can't forget the HOT MESS main character (Farmville pig) Amanda Lorber. She's the youngest train wreck to be featured on The Sizzling Mess, but we somehow think that Amanda would be the type to put a positive spin on this to avoid any embarrassment. People, you NEED to watch this show to fully understand what a CATASTROPHIC train wreck she truly is. The list goes on and on, but to sum her up just look at the 8th grade hair clips, DISGUSTING glasses, fugs nose, some fucked up ethnic lookin' necklace attached to ribbon (no you are seeing it right), and last but not least a HICKEY on her neck that actually scares us more than anything. Hope you're studyin' hard at NYU girl!
Oh dear, it must have taken MAJOR guts to leave your house lookin' like this sweetie. Once again, Khloe Kardashian effortlessly rocks the HOT SHIT MESS look with ease. It's so convenient cause when we've no idea who's gonna be our next sizzling mess, good ole Khloe shows through for us and steps out in public. Gotta love how the fans in the pic are waiting for the "real goods" aka Kim K to walk past. That's gotta hurt but never mind Khloe, there's food waitin' for you in the limo.
For someone like Henry Holland who tries so hard to be edgy, we found it highly amusing when we saw him with an Hermes bracelet around his wrist. The lame Eastender (Manchester native) has always puzzled us when it comes to his ON TREND fashion choices. We swear he's worn the same pair of jeans, brogues (clown version) and denim jacket for the past 6 years. Oh and let's not forget the bow tie...SO freakin' edgy! Someone might wanna tell him, but when you start doing fashion shows and collaborating with "high-end" stores like Debenhams, you might wanna make it look as though your "collection" wasn't made with a glue gun near Old Street. My phone just rang and Quagmire from Family Guy wants his jaw back.
When it comes to Mischa Barton, she's pretty close to the top of the celebrity hot mess pile. Pretty ironic considering she's young, kinda pretty and semi-talented. Anyhoo the anorexic (semi-obese) d-lister was spotted at the airport looking like Wally's less-successful sister in her bizarre ensemble. At least she invested the remaining $500 of her OC earnings on a classy Louis Vuitton travel bag.
Whenever we think about our favourite celebrity hot mess, we always seem to forget about the stunning natural beauty of Kim Zolciak. The CLASSIEST Real Housewives Of Atlanta star was pictured lunching in her native Georgia (note the classy placing of a cigarette lighter and glass of wine), but she looked more like an extra from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. We think it's safe to say that whatever "look" she was going for here was clearly a drag queen. The hair (Smiffy's wig), clown make up, VILE French Manicure (a la Posh Spice circa her WAG days) and new money watch just scream "I'm an uncultured hick who has a show on Bravo." Sorry sweetie, but this is just one major hot pile of MESS!
What exactly does Jessica Simpson do anymore besides design mediocre clothing for Middle America? The only time we loved her is when she did Newlyweds with Nick Lachey, but since then she has just BALLOONED and grown a rather unflattering "jeck" aka jaw neck. Yuh huh, that's how obese she's become. Overall her outfits pretty cute, but the chubby thighs (listen up Xtina), bloated face and blue nail polish (SO classy) make us miss the anorexic Jess even more.
As soon as Christian Siriano hit our screens on Project Runway, we thought he was a disgusting queen with VILE hair. The "designer" was seen arriving at this year's MTV Movie Awards in a pretty cheap lookin' get up. His crispy lookin' hair that was GHD'd to death, nasty specs, Topman Design (most likely) blazer and exposed chest (mmm classy) looked a total mess. Now we're not into gals either at The Sizzling Mess, but we just DO NOT get why so many gay guys have to show off their chest/meavage. That's "male cleavage" for you folk that don't know. While on the topic, is it also compulsory for gay guys to own deep v's in 30 different colours? Do not understand that one.
Granted, she's not exactly the biggest hot mess (or celebrity) on the scene, but the lower half of Whitney Port resembles an Ethiopian minus the tan. It was the slightly retarded facial expression, match stick legs and Hocus Pocus boots that caught our eye, but we just don't get why she's still famous? The Hills was kinda fun, but as soon as she appeared in The City, fierce rival bitch Olivia Palermo completely upstaged Whitters and showed her how it's done. Bitch better be careful though cause she could do some serious damage with them fugly boots! 
We've never even watched The Only Way Is Essex, but that fat bird/pig Gemma Collins really should be ashamed of her Michelin Man body. Yeah, we get that she's desperately trying to shed that extra 35 stone, but why the fuck did she borrow Victoria Beckham's workout clothes and not just nip down to Evans instead? Kudos to her for not staying home and eating her feelings, but put it away love, no one wants to see that mess of a body.
After hearing Nicola Roberts' AMAZING new Beyonce rip-off tune "Beat My Drum", it kinda sucks that her OFFENSIVE face will be all over the glossies in the coming weeks. We can't really figure out what her face is about, besides a big ole pale mess covered in hormonal chin acne and fried ginga hair. Suppose we can at least give her credit for her wannabe edgy outfit and classy pink manicure though. Gotta love a good ole northern mess!
It looks like (royal socialite) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson got her new nose done by the make-up team who did that Babe The Pig movie. On top of looking truly DOG rough as a result of multiple botched surgeries (unlucky genes), the blue-blooded (in her mind) coke whore has no friends left due to them being horrified by her OFFENSIVE face. Her one remaining friend can be seen above in her handbag. That's right she's resorted to cuddly toys. At least she's managed to carve out herself a "chart topping" career as a pianist.
No, the above photo is not a Teen Mom cast member, but it's Britney Spears back in her ultra hot mess days! We kinda miss the crazy Brit that carried an umbrella instead of a Juicy Couture clutch...please come back! How classy do her press-on nails, Ed Hardy top and track suit look? She looked slightly preggers when this was taken, but it could just be the fact that she was morbidly obese at the time. Let's just hope it was the latter seeing as she was puffin' away on her Marlborough Lights!
We've always had a soft spot for Christina Aguilera and in a perfect world we'd love to not hate on her, but that ain't gonna happen til lady gets her image/weight issues together! Xtina was pictured with her financial leech rebound boyfriend Matt Rutler, and her trashy white hair, chubby thighs and clown make up looked plain nasty! Chrissy, we LOVE your voice and music, but quit scoffin' on doughnuts, get on the treadmill and kick that skank GaGa off the charts!
Okay, we don't mean to kick her while she's (or he's) down, but what the fuck does Natalie Cassidy have on? Gotta love a good 'ole bit of Sonja, but bless her she always seems to look DOG ROUGH whether she's a size 24 or 6. Anyhoo the MUNTER was spotted on her way to Weight Watchers in a floral Primark (most likely) jumpsuit and Gucci (replica) bag and she just looked SO chic! You been lookin' through them rose coloured glasses again love?
[Image via MATRIX]
Daisy Lowe really is the most overrated "supermodel" in Europe. She's currently the face of BIBA, but we can't decide whether she's lower than the brand or vice versa? What were Louis Vuitton thinking when they used the "practically anorexic" beauty to front their swimwear campaign? Who'd have thought Marc Jacobs would wanna promote partial obesity, what with her tree trunk thighs rockin' one of their iconic bikinis.
