EVEN DANCING DOESN'T IMPROVE THIS...

Kirstie Alley was once part of Hollywood's elite and commanded a salary that would raise eyebrows, but all she's making headlines for these days is her fat ass. The actress was seen eating alone (what she does best) in LA recently and certainly looked worse for wear as she mopped up the remainder of her food with bread. The hair, body and skin are just rank and even though bitch can look uber good when she'd scrubbed up, this appearance will be going down in her top 5 worst.

[Image via PACIFIC COAST]

WHOOPS NOW, I'VE GAINED IT BACK AGAIN!

Just when we thought Janet Jackson had finally beaten her femons (food demons) we found this pic of the whale leaving the doctor via the back entrance...most likely cause she couldn't fit through the front one. Anyway the ghetto version of Free Willy has been keeping her head low lately (in a bowl of Cheetos) cause she's apparently planning a come back next year. We can't imagine what that would consist of, but as a rough guess we'd say weight loss, press about the weight loss, new album, sell out tour and then back to eating her feelings again. We'd be willing to put money on that too.

[Image via SPLASH]

FROM THE HILLS TO HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

Looking back in time we really did think that Heidi Montag was a cute little thing, but FUCK it's looking rough lately. The $5 hooker was pictured at some crappy event in Vegas and she looked a right trollop on the red carpet. We're loving her puffy fish lips too...you'd never guess she was the poster girl for surgery gone wrong would you?

[Image via HEIDI'S PIMP]

WALKING TAKES MY BREATH AWAY

We love a bit of Jessica Simpson, but FUCK it really looks like she's ditched the calorie counting for good. The bloated whale was pictured on a walk (shocker) in Texas and her male friend was carrying what looked like a snack...those fatties are sneaky bastards. We wish she'd just be honest with herself and wear a tent with the words "I'm really insecure about my body" written across it. On a slightly more alarming note, it appears her overeating has spun outta control as she's missing her left hand.

[Image via COLEMAN-RAYNER]

FAR FROM MAGNIFIQUE

Urgh, this dog with downs is takin' the piss now cause she's left her house more than twice in one week. Natalie Cassidy was pictured leaving the gym (we're serious) in Manchester and IT looked a right FATE (fat state). We don't know who she's trying to kid with a top saying "magnifique" cause the dog is far from it. Her personal trainer who prefers to remain nameless revealed to The Sizzling Mess that she "brings Pedigree treats to most sessions" and on occasion when she finishes her cardio "gets on all fours and begs for a treat". What a fucking RANK handbag too.

[Image via GOFF]

MONEY CAN'T FIX DEFORMITIES

If there was ever a poster girl (pig) to prove that money can't buy you looks, then MESMERIZING beauty Tori Spelling would definitely pick up an award. The actress (slut with a famous dad) looked like a pile of melted lard when she appeared on TV show Chelsea Lately last week (even low for her). The dog looked like an extra from the fuckin' muppets and to top off her STUNNING look she sported a lovely trout pout and double chin. We've always thought her fugly chin/jaw disorder made her look like the tranny version of Lurch from The Addams Family. Just sayin'.

Image via [POINTLESS CELEBS]

FOOD IS MAKIN' ME A CRAZY FAT BITCH

Yer bastard, who could even predict that good ole Char could balloon to the size of a small Welsh town? Well your eyes aren't deceiving you, Charlotte Church really has become that much of a FAT fuck. The days of her "opera career" are certainly long gone judging by her WHALE of an backside and PIG face. Lovely that she topped off her NATURAL beauty with a skanky red bob and horizontal stripes, which really slim her down. Nice visible panty line too love.

[Image via FLYNET]

KEEPS GETTIN' BIGGER

Fuckin' hell! Fat bitch aka Christina Aguilera was almost unrecognizable whilst arriving at the airport in LA. We don't know if there's something calorific in the Hollywood water, but all these pop stars seem to be PILING it on. To add insult to injury, it looks as though Xtina has grown a flattering double chin. Oh how a flopped album and divorce can ruin one's figure. We hope lady gets her image back to normal and that ass back to a non-obese size asap.

[Image via FLYNET]

SHAMU CALLED AND WANTS IT'S FACE BACK

This was buried deep in The Sizzling Mess' vintage classics file and we thought it was about time to once again pay tribute to actress (whale) Mischa Barton. If you're all educated to degree level and read the glossies religiously, then you'll remember that she blamed her fat face in this pic on "dental surgery causing swelling". We worked out what Mischa actually meant to say and the translation is roughly: "I know I've become a right fat cunt, but my career's a fuckin' joke and eating my feelings makes me feel better". See we can always relate to the absolute truth! Rumor has it that The OC is coming back next year for a reunion special, but Mischa's old character Marissa is being played by a new girl with one chin. Fear not though OC fans, you will in fact catch a glimpse of Mischa herself as she's been cast as the whale that gets washed to shore in the beach scene. Yay everyone wins!

[Image via WIRE]

SOMEONE CALL PET RESCUE

Ooo fuck, this PIG of a being looked positively EVIL as it walked (believe it or not) around the other day. Kelly Osbourne plucked up the courage to leave her kennel and attend a Weight Watchers class in LA, but after being told "no dogs allowed" she left abruptly and went back to the pound to eat her feelings. We're not sure what's up with her retarded whale face and lips, but it looks like the weight is definitely creepin' back on. Can you believe this bitch gets paid (with food) to co-host that shitty show Fashion Police. Wonder what her co-stars will think of her (it's) car crash of an outfit? Ooo love just do us a favor and stay indoors.

[Image via CPR/FLYNET]

BEHIND THESE THUNDER THIGHS

Holy FUCKING Christ (sorry man above) is all we have to say about this pic. It looks like EPIC fat bitch Kelly Clarkson has NO intention of having a successful album with a figure like a beached whale in flares. The singer (fucking pig) was doing a gig in Texas and as you can see she was screaming her brains out on stage. Word on the street is that her assistant forgot to bring along doughnuts...oops! On a more serious note, it looked like Kelly (urgh sounds well common by it's first name) was about to eat her microphone instead. Now that's just greedy!

[Image via REX FEATURES]

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BIG MAC

We are severely confused over at The Sizzling Mess. We DO NOT understand how diva pig Mariah Carey STILL hasn't shifted any of that baby weight? The whale/drag queen was pictured performing a TV special in honor of Obama (yes he's unfortunately still the President) and frankly she looked like she still had another couple babies to shit out. To top it all off, we learned that her stylist couldn't even find her a dress that fit, so they took desperate measures and bought 300 meters of red lace and voila you have the STUNNING creation seen above.

[Image via GETTY]

OOPS...SHE'S EATEN TOO MUCH AGAIN!

Judging by the latest photos from Britney Spears' new tour, it's pretty clear that instead of working out like a bastard she opted to stuff her face like a fat bitch and this is why you're seeing a semi-beached whale. We wish the TALENTED vocalist would get her shit together once and for all and just stop fuckin' eating. Pigs might fly before that happens though. On top of her mess of a body, stretch marks and Primark outfits, our sources claim she took a coffee/doughnut break every 30 minutes to re-energize herself. Mmm for what exactly? We know that lip-syncing must really take it's toll on the vocal cords. If however her spokesperson announces that she's up the duff in the near future then we're sincerely apologize for this post. Fat bitch.

[Image via SPLASH]

FREE WILLY'S YOUTUBE DEBUT

Holy FUCK balls is pretty much all we have to say to the above video. Now we know it's not nice to lower people's self-esteem for kicks, but we physically CANNOT hold back when it comes to this MESS of a being. We kinda liked it's singing but we're not sure it's breathing properly to best support those beautiful notes. We're guessing that maybe a Big Mac is lodged in her throat or something? We know she's just a kid/beached whale, but Ke$ha better watch out cause it looks like this fitch (fat bitch) means business! According to the rumor mill she'll be going by her professional name Lady Lard and her new album Blow Hole is out later this year. We wish you all the best love!

ONCE A FATTY ALWAYS A FATTY

We're confused after seeing this photo of STUNNER Kelly Osbourne who's apparently supposed to be skinny now. On top of her fucking MESS of an outfit, bobble head and thunder thighs, the TALENTED star (fat bitch) was rockin' a fugly ass pig nose on the red carpet. We don't quite get what she does to stay relevant besides pretending to know a shit load about fashion. On the upside, Kel is apparently getting her own character on Farmville in the near future...boink!

[Image via WIRE]

IT'S JUST MONEY ENNIT

Now we ain't sayin' this bitch is a mess cause she's SHIT hot, but one thing that AMAZING actress Jennifer Aniston didn't always have were slim thighs. Judging by the oldies we found above which were taken in around '96, it's clear that her ass could have easily cracked a walnut or two back in the day. Isn't it great when celebs tell the truth about how they were just 'blessed' with good genes and shit like that? Come on Jen, we all know the secret to that body is making yourself throw up after every meal. If money's also the key then what the fuck is Khloe Kardashian's excuse?

[Image via WIRE]

COCO THE FUCKIN' CLOWN

Oh Sonja darlin', why do you keep on leavin' the house without that Lidl bag over ya head? You know you're gonna get lots of press with that STUNNING face girl! Anyway, cheap-lookin' gal (questionable) Natalie Cassidy looked like a fucking clown in drag when she (he/it) appeared on award-winning chat show Loose Women (aka The View gone wrong). We guess that now Eastenders is over all she can afford to wear for press appearances are 'over sized' white shirts from Primark. As long as that mess of a body is covered up we'll be happy love!

[Image via KEN MCKAY/REX]

VINTAGE XTINA

We're kicking ourselves that The Sizzling Mess didn't exist last year when Christina Aguilera was sporting some of her biggest SHIT HOT MESS looks in history. Let's be serious though, her stylist either hates her fucking guts and enjoys embarrassing her on the red carpet, or she lets her child pick out her outfits. We get that her self-esteem is down in the gutter due to a FLOP album, divorce and her movie Burlesque gettin' SHAT on by Hanna Montana 13 at the box office, but what the fuck happened? Looks like lady has been takin' tanning tips from Snooki.

[Image via GETTY]

LET'S HOPE CHANEL DO RETURNS

Wow, this really is a STUNNING photo of Lily Allen. The (talentless) "singer" was pictured arriving at some church (in a place no one cares about) where she is due to marry her beau today, and her Chanel (we're not kidding) dress was just a CATASTROPHIC mess. We get that in the world of celebrity Chanel equals taste (particularly new money celebs), but Lily looked like a bloated tranny from the 20's covered in 30,000 meters of (tacky) lace. Who'd have guessed she was going for a (slightly classier) Gypsy look? We hope you have a great day and your marriage lasts and all, but Lily why the fuck did you wear this shit?

[Image via FLYNET]

PIGS CAN'T FLY

Vanessa Feltz is a relative unknown when it comes to the world of celebrity, but the SLIM D-Lister (lower than low) was photographed a while back en route to work after having made several pit-stops at Gregg's. We'll take a rough guess and say she probably got dressed in the dark, unless she (questionable) intended to look like a bloated pig in a mini-skirt from The Muppets. Oh Vanessa, we'd KILL to have your figure.

[Image via XPOSURE]