TANNING MOM MUST BE BLIND IT'S OFFICIAL...

Patricia Krentcil aka Tanning Mom always brightens our day cause we love that she thinks she actually looks good enough to leave the house looking like this. Anyone who thinks this is presentable should be sectioned under the mental health act cause she looks like a $2 hooker with chlamydia and that's being nice. We just don't understand how that patchy tan can go unnoticed when she looks at her reflection in the mirror...well unless the cracks in it cause a blur. Seriously though go buy a loofah and some industrial strength scrub and take a shower cause you look disgusting.

[mage via MEDIA PUNCH]

WHEN FASHION QUEEN'S GET IT OH SO WRONG

Now we've only ever done one other post on erm we guess style icon Olivia Palermo cause let's face it the bitch looks good about 99% of the time. Unfortunately for her she rocked up to a movie premiere this week in NYC looking like she'd been hanging out with the Tanning Mom. Her hair was also very close to Cousin Itt territory as it looked like her head was being consumed by some odd follicular being. Such a shame when someone like this gets it so wrong but at least she's not as lame as Whitney Port right.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK LIKE HONEY?

Oh honey why have you still not bought a mirror? Lauren Goodger really doesn't understand just how fucking mucky and nasty she looks cause bitch turned up to some shitty product launch recently looking like a walking turd. The former TOWIE star seems to like resembling a diarrhea strain cause that tan just ain't going nowhere. All we wanna do it rip out the extensions, wipe all that muck off her face and stick her through a car wash.

[Image via REX]

DID ROSS GELLER WHITEN THIS BITCH'S TEETH?

What in the fuck does Stacey Solomon think she looks like cause it's sure as shit beyond our cultured brains? The former X Factor contestant was snapped walking the red carpet at some shitty magazine event in London and looked like an Oompa Loompa from Essex. On top of the toxic tan (notice the Xtina esque hands) and drag queen hair, she decided to top it off by whitening those already evil nashers that we've had the privilege of seeing since her debut. Just gome home honey, get under the sheets and eat ya feelings.

[Image via REX]

DOES THIS SKANK NOT LEARN ANYTHING?

Seriously does Lauren Goodger actually think resembling a perma-tanned pig is a good look cause we're confused? The whale was papped leaving a club in Essex (classy) the other night and as per usual she was sporting another ill fitting outfit, thunder thighs and huge color differences all over her body. You'd think that with money and seeing yourself pretty much everyday in pap shots would be enough to tell you that you're failed beauty routine needs reassessing. Just sayin'.

[Image via LUMINOUS]

DID YOU FORGET YOUR BOULDER HOLDER?

Okay so we know most men would probably want Lauren Goodger to give them a tit wank, but really did the skank actually have to go shopping in the winter wearing no bra and a sheer top? The former TOWIE star was papped walking the streets of London laden with shopping bags and we're hoping there's at least a bra in one of them. On the upside she didn't look as obese as usual and we never realized how huge her fucking tits were...the poor things are suffocating and no doubt freezing in that top. You can't buy class can you people?

[Image via XPOSURE]

SERIOUSLY HONEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR...

We honestly don't understand what Lauren Goodger see's when she looks in the mirror cause it don't look good to the general public. The tacky and tanned reality star was papped leaving a party in Essex recently and once again her legs looked toxic in comparison to the rest of her body. We're also not sure what the fuck is going on with her lips cause it looks like the bitch got stung by a bee. Everything about this look is just gross and the Louboutin's just add to the tacky factor cause they're so 2007 WAG now.

[Image via XPOSURE]

BRITNEY IS BECOMING A REAL HOUSEWIFE

Holy shit balls! What the fuck has happened to Britney Spears lately people? The pop star was snapped attending the People's Choice Awards the other night and the woman looked truly horrific. We're obviously being a tad dramatic but her piss colored hair, spotty complexion, drag make-up and botoxed appearance made her look like a total freak show. Someone needs to introduce this woman to purple shampoo cause she's in desperate need! Britney literally looked like an extra from the Real Housewives and that's being nice.

[Image via GETTY]

TIME TO GET YOUR JAW WIRED UP HONEY

Oh no honey as if you left your gaff looking like this again. Lauren Goodger just never seems to learn and you think after getting the boot from TOWIE for being too fat she'd learn, but the woman still continues to stuff her fat face. What's more embarrassing is that the bitch ain't even 6 months along or anything...she's just that fucking obese. Next time stay away from dresses made out of elastic cause nobody want to see those rank curves hugged love.

[Image via FLYNET]

KEL'S VERY LUCKY HER DAD IS FAMOUS...

Bless her! This thing wouldn't have had much of a chance in the fashion industry (let alone any) if her daddy wasn't Ozzy. Does anyone dare argue with us? Sorry but if you're gonna judge our appearance and what we're wearing then you better not be fucking Kelly Osbourne of all tubby people. We don't know what's going on with this fuck off beehive hair style, orange tan and double chin but this bitch ain't chic or fashionable. Such a joke that E! even thought of this to co-host Fashion Police. Can you say family connections much?

[Image via GETTY]

AIN'T THIS BITCH THE EPITOME OF CLASS?

The world knows the above woman simply as "tanning mom" aka Patricia Krentcil, however all we see is a tired old slapper who sucks cock to pay the lecky bill. We don't even get how this skank gets invited to events, but lady put on her best clobber (cheap shite) and worked the red carpet looking like the corpse version of Pam Anderson with the clap. Didn't she think to look in the mirror before she leaves her gaff too? Body-con dresses just don't work when you've got saggy tits and a muffin top and we gotta say that ankle tatt finishes off this look to perfection. Wouldn't you be proud if this was your mom?

[Image via GETTY]

HORSES ARE BETTER LOOKING THAN THIS

What the fuck has this bitch done to her face? Chloe Sims from that crazy culture filled show TOWIE was seen exiting a night club in Essex (shocker) and it looked truly horrendous for her age. The actual horse teeth and orange skin would make most people run in fear, but we just don't understand why she wanted to make herself this fugly? We pity the guys she gives head to cause it can't be pretty.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

OOMPA LOOMPAS HAVE MONEY TROUBLES TOO

Oh honey just no, no, no. Lindsay Lohan and her train wreck of a "mother" were papped strolling through LAX airport looking like the ugly sisters the other day and boy were they a sight. We literally cannot believe that this bitch left her house wearing such a horrendous outfit and did we forget to mention that she's become an Oompa Loompa now? The only good thing about this look is the fact that she left her fucking hair natural, but besides that the bitch looks a fucking state and don't deserve any film roles.

[Image via XPOSURE]

ALL BLACK ONLY WORKS IF YOU'RE NOT OBESE

Good old Lauren Goodger is a crafty bitch cause it thinks that by wearing black the whole world (well the south of England) will think she looks smaller. Yeah well you didn't fool us Miss Piggy and we hate to play up to our bully rep but this bitch really is a mess crying for help. The former reality star was seen walking around London at night and even the pavements were crying as they tried to withstand the weight. We also don't get why this thing doesn't own a mirror cause her face is saying Stevie Wonder, but her neck is making us think of Bjork so maybe she should rethink her make-up? Oh dear honey just admit that those thighs were not made for leggings and go buy a hammock.

[Image via FLYNET]

USING A DYSON TO GET DRESSED ISN'T GOOD

Oh honey no! Poor old Lauren Goodger who got fired from TOWIE for being too fat was snapped out to dinner in Essex recently and her dress was crying at the seams. The human walrus appears to have an issue with buying clothing that actually fits her lard filled frame and this shit is making us shake our heads. The hair, make-up and excess flub just make her look like a total car crash of events and we'd be embarrassed to call this out girlfriend. Just sayin'.

[Image via FLYNET]

HIS LOOKS SURE AIN'T GOT THE X FACTOR

Simon Cowell has definitely got a nasty tongue on him and we're pretty sure that if he saw this shit even he wouldn't be able to hold back the criticism cause he looked a fucking mess. The music mogul stepped out in LA recently and looked like a bloated whale covered in fake tan. Maybe he's had some help from the surgeon's table seeing as he's suffering from a little facial swelling? Whatever it is, we just think he needs to come out the closet and soon.

[Image via SPLASH]

NOT EVEN ALL BLACK CAN SAVE THIS SHIT

Oh dear, when will Lauren Goodger learn that she's just a big ole fucking hot mess who should stay indoors? The overweight walking satsuma was papped leaving a restaurant (shocker) in London the other day and the color of it looked fucking toxic. We're guessing that the poor bitch's shoes must hate her too cause the weight on them must be fucking unbearable and what's with the sprayed on jeans honey? What's even more embarrassing is that Essex is probably proud to have some sort of link with this whale.

[Image via FLYNET]

LOOKING THIS CHEAP SURE DOES COST

Doesn't the humble Tamara Ecclestone just look the picture of class here? The billion dollar heiress was papped walking around a casino in Las Vegas over the weekend and she was dressed to the nines (as a hooker) for her evening out. The cheap looking frock, orange tan, suffocated tits and clown make-up resembled a Monet painting aka a fucking mess. That lovely foot tattoo is just the perfect finishing touch too.

[Image via CRUISE]

EVEN NEW JERSEY ARE EMBARRASSED

We get hundreds of requests to feature Jersey Shore's infamous Snooki on The Sizzling Mess but until now we never quite found the right photo. The reality TV skank was papped at some shitty launch recently and it looked like a bottle of fake tan had raped the bitch. It's become known as New Jersey's most famous midget and she's famous for her garish make-up and crazy outfits, but we're pretty sure that even the trashiest of states (Jersey included) are embarrassed by the connection. We bet there was a lovely missing chunk of foundation when she removed her headband. Can you say classy?

[Image via WIRE]

ERM, YOU'RE STILL OBESE LOVE

Apparently the lovely (debatable) Lauren Goodger from The Only Way Is Essex has been dieting for the past month so that she looks good on her summer vacay. Erm, well we're kinda confused cause all we can see are two sticks of fat and a cheap dress. Anyone else see the weight loss? This girl really is built like a brick shit house and shouldn't be allowed to buy clothing that goes above the knee. Also, what the fucks going on with the color difference between her face and legs? It's like Casper and Shilpa Shetty have merged into one person. We'll give her credit for the hair though cause it looks good.

[Image via FLYNET]