TOP DOG FOR TOPSHOP

There's only so much money can buy and we're pretty sure that Sir Philip Green's STUNNING daughter Chloe Green has often thought this. The heiress to the Topshop fortune (fuck load of money) was papped whilst out drinking with her friends in London and sources tell us that she actually pays them to be seen in public with her. It kinda looks like a member of the royal family cause she's very toothy and clearly can't dress for shit. On top of all that the poor bitch looked like a deer in headlights and we just love that we can see her bra (fat) through her blouse.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

THIS MAKES JOAN RIVERS LOOK NATURAL

We really don't know what's wrong with Pete Burn's head cause he's seriously fucked for doing this shit to himself. Is it a guy? Is it a girl? Is it a fucking shemale? Apparently it's the latest thing to have your lips look as if they're about to explode and if we're honest Lindsay Lohan isn't far behind with this trend. Urgh he just looks a fucking mess and there's nothing else to say.

[Image via GOFF]

YOU CAN'T TAKE ESSEX OUT THE GIRL

Ooo now we'll try not to be too harsh, but TOWIE star Lauren Goodger looked EVIL whilst walking around (shocker) Miami on vacay recently. We never realized how fucking massive the bitch's thighs were...she's built like a brick shit house. In fact the room we're in just shook and we're not even in Miami. Maybe lay off the pies for the next 2 years and and cover up a bit more whilst you're away. We hear that tents are currently on sale at Walmart.

[Image via SPLASH]

IT'S DEFINITELY FROM CROYDON

Wow, we really love it when supermodels leave their house and step out into natural daylight. You don't look so camera ready now do ya Kate Moss? The "supermodel" was snapped leaving an offie in London after buying some fags and she looked like a haggard slapper. We're guessing she let out a huge fart and then made herself feel sick with the smell hence the pretty facial expression. See now Rimmel should of used this pic to promote their mascara ennit.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

PRIVATE BENJAMIN HAS LIVER SPOTS

You're not fooling anyone with that cap honey we know it's you! Hollywood actress (senior citizen with money) Goldie Hawn was papped whilst out to lunch over the weekend in LA and she looked like she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. She was out with a group of girlfriends who she lives with at her retirement home (allegedly) and at one point the poor bitch lifted up her glass to have a drink and broke her wrist. We're kinda shocked that she looks this rough minus the warpaint to be honest...age is a bitch.

[Image via SPLASH]

WHEN WE SEE SONJA WE CUM HARD

Oh love, please just stay indoors and quit leaving your gaff cause you're giving us too much to write about. As usual EastEnders actress (stunner) Natalie Cassidy was snapped walking around London with some of her mates and she looked erm like she had special needs. For some reason we think she kinda looks like a drowned rat with downs. Loving the (fake) Gucci bag too Sonja. Her spokesperson told The Sizzling Mess: "Natalie doesn't wish to support the counterfeit industry and of course she'd love to buy a real one but money ennit."

[Image via EROTEME]

UNEMPLOYMENT DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU

It's common knowledge that singer (Jabba The Hut extra) Christina Aguilera barely ever wears make-up, but we weren't ready for this shit. Nowadays, she does fuck all besides eat and judge talent on TV show The Voice, but to be honest we're ready for a new album once she's shifted that extra 50 stone. Xtina was papped leaving a restaurant (big surprise) with her latest fuck buddy (probably the waiter) and she looked rough as hell to say the least. We haven't got a clue what's going on with her hair either but it looks FUCKED. Urgh we know we've always said she should bring down the clown make-up a few notches, but now we get why she cakes it.

[Image via X17]

MORE LIKE THE SEX FACTOR

Classy gal Tulisa Contostavlos (mouthful ennit) is not only pointless but cheap as fuckin' chips. The X Factor judge and former member of crappy band N Dubz recently leaked her own sex tape in order to help promote her shitty new single. The cheap tart can be seen on her knees doing what she does best (sucking cock) in the above pic and to be honest we're not really shocked. According to sources, there are several other unreleased sex tapes and in one Tulisa is apparently getting spit roasted and then farting out a creampie. The words lady and class spring to mind when thinking of this slapper for sure.

[Image via XNXX]

BEST MAKE UP AWARD GOES TO...

Ah the CLASSIC beauty that is Pamela Anderson! We're kinda fucked off though cause after just looking at this pic of Pam we got Hepatitis C. The former actress (slapper with aids) was attending a luncheon in Beverly Hills in honor of the porn industry (we're being serious) and it looked like a clown that'd been gang raped and spat on. We don't know who's doing her make-up, but our best guess is she's volunteered to be a walking coloring book for her kids. The eyebrows are SO Kate Middleton dontcha think?

[Image via SPLASH]

JUSTIN MUST BE BLIND ENNIT

Even though Jessica Biel is allegedly an "actress", no one seems to know much about her or frankly give a shit. She was papped at a recent basketball game with new fiance Justin Timberlake...yuh huh we don't get what's wrong with his eye sight either. The poor bitch looked more like a cross eyed ball of hair with down syndrome than a Hollywood star. Whatever, we get that we're harsh but we have insecurities too and hating on dogs is our therapy.

[Image via SPLASH]

HOW DOES THIS GET WORK?

Sorry but "model" Eva Herzigova is just a rank looking European that fucked her way to the top. We honestly don't get how this bitch gets any work cause she's fugly as hell. On top of having mouth aids and a nasty mug in general, she decided to wear a flattering 20s style wig that really suited her. Urgh she should just move back to Slovakia cause her face offends us.

[Image via AP]

CATWOMAN TO DOGWOMAN

If we were Halle Berry and reading this we'd be screaming FUCK MY LIFE cause we cannot believe it's become this rough lately. Anyway the STUNNING actress was snapped driving around LA and it looked unrecognizable to say the least. Her mouth is kinda grossing us out too cause it looks like a giant gaping anus. At least she covered her Brillo pad hair with a hat, but fuckin' hell love next time reach for some Revlon before you leave ya gaff.

[Image via WIRE/SPLASH]

WE REALLY WANT 2003 BACK

Now wouldn't your parents be proud if you brought home a slapper dressed like Michelle Heaton circa 2003? We love pulling out vintage oldies and this one is so good we just couldn't resist. Our favorite part about the pic has to be the uber chic outfit and in particular the bang ON TREND red boots. Maybe they were Lisa Scott-Lee's hand me down's? Ouch that's gotta hurt love. Seeing this actually reminds how shit Liberty X were.

[Image via PA]

MOVING INTO ANIMATION?

We can exclusively reveal (cause we made it up) that Kirstie Alley is in negotiations to lend her voice (not body) in the new movie adaptation of popular Facebook game Farm Ville. The actress (walking heart attack) has recently seen a rise in her popularity thanks to it's stint on Dancing With The Stars and according to sources she's so desperate for work she's even offered to voice the role of the pig. We've gotta say we love a fatty that can poke fun at themselves so we can't wait to see this shit.

[Image via FARM VILLE/OPRAH]

PRETTY WOMAN MY ASS

We bet the casting director for Pretty Woman will be shocked they selected Julia Roberts to play the lead role once they see this FLATTERING photo. The actress (retired housewife) was snapped whilst browsing a pharmacy in LA and let's just say the poor bitch has had FAR better days in the looks department. We've not seen much of old Julia recently, but we know she's up to her eyeballs with breastfeeding and looking after twins and erm being boring in general. Get hot again and show all these crappy actresses how it's done honey.

[Image via GETTY]

WHERE YA BEEN SINCE DOUBLE JEOPARDY?

Fuck! It's been almost 15 years since Double Jeopardy graced our screens and since then it looks like star Ashley Judd has had some "dental work" done. The once natural beauty looked puffy, bloated and was dressed like a grandma during a recent TV appearance. We're not quite sure what's up with it's face, but according to her rep Ashley has been suffering from a "sinus infection". Oh of course, these are not the results of facial fillers gone wrong at all. Women that do this shit are proper desperate ennit.

[Image via REX FEATURES]

ALLY WOULD SUE THIS FOR LOOKIN' ROUGH

We've said this many times before but time really is a bitch and we're guessing that's exactly what Calista Flockhart thinks too. The actress (former anorexic) was papped at the grocery store in LA and she looked a world away from her character on Ally McBeal. The double chin, fuck off massive ear and rank hair just goes to show that money can't buy looks ennit. What the fuck is happening to all these celebs?

[Image via SPLASH]

EVEN HANNIBAL WOULDN'T EAT IT

Seeing this shit made us fuckin' choke we ain't gonna lie! Ginga actress Juliane Moore who is usually snapped looking a bit more red-carpet ready looked DOG rough as she walked her sprog around NYC over the weekend. It looked more like a fugly elf than a Hollywood actress and her facial expression makes us think she did a nasty fart and then sniffed it the dirty bitch. It never ceases to amaze us what a bit of warpaint can do ennit.

[Image via VANITY FAIR/SPLASH]

1994 CALLED AND IT WANTS IT'S PERM BACK

Oh honey, what the fuck have you got on now? Mariah Carey was snapped vacationing in Aspen over the weekend and it looked like she'd got stuck in a time machine. Is it just us or does poor Mimi always looks cheap and tacky no matter what she wears? The perm, ON TREND outfit and weight gain just looked plain bad and we think it's about time she hired a stylist who isn't related to Stevie Wonder.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

TAKE IT DOWN LIKE A DOMINO

British singer Jessie J has gotta good set of pipes on her, but take away the warpaint and it's a different story. The common gal was snapped leaving a studio in London the other day and was almost unrecognizable. She's usually got her wig on, caked in slap and wearing some whoreish get-up, but on this occasion she looked like a wigga from Hackney. Nice eyebrows too love.

[Image via GOFF]

COOK IT...DON'T FUCKIN' EAT IT

Ooo we can't believe how much Jamie Oliver has PILED it on lately. What's even more of a piss take is that the chef (food addict) was promoting healthy eating for kids whilst looking like a beached whale. We realize he's known as The Naked Chef, but we'd prefer if he'd keep his clothes on and that back fat covered up.

[Image via GETTY]

LURCH HAS A "ROYAL" TWIN

Ooo it must've taken GUTS to leave ya gaff lookin' like this love. Socialite (coke whore) Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was once again papped leaving her drug dealer's flat and even by her standards it looked rough. We don't get why she always looks like she's been fucked a thousand times times and then spat on? The one eye blinking is just classic Tara at this point and we can't help but make a fuck off massive forehead remark. Her publicist will probably respond to these allegations with: "Tara has recently taken up aerobics and it's a perfectly normal thing to perspire more so than usual." Oh yeah aerobics MUST be the reason why she looks FUCKED all the time.

[Image via FLYNET]

WE'RE PISSED BUT SECRETLY HAPPY

Yes! Lindsay Lohan FINALLY decided to dye her hair back to it's natural ginga roots and she looks SOOO much better for it! Just compare this to our below post...it looks like a different person already. We secretly root for a lot of these celebs and The Sizzling Mess could be a lot more positive if they'd ALL get their shit together. The bitch is looking good for once (minus the fucked right leg), cause we're not even seeing any facial puffiness here. Now who the fuck do we write about?

[Image via SPLASH]

THIS NEEDS TO HAVE A WASH

Okay, so we will say that we're over the moon that Lindsay Lohan is making such great progress with her community service and all that shit, but what the fuck is going on with it's face? Lately she's looked like her head is inflated and we just wish she'd take her Porsche (thanks to the Playboy cheque) through the car wash and stick her fuckin' head out the window. To top it all off she wore a Miu Miu dress that she PAID for (low) and completed the look with SUBTLE bronzer and a lovely blue pedicure. Just lookin' at it's toe nails is making us gag. We're praying that the bitch gets her shit together and quick.

[Image via JUST JARED]

WE BET PHEEBS IS WELL JEALOUS OF RACH

It must FUCK Lisa Kudrow off when she's flicking through Take A Break and she see's pics of Jennifer Aniston, cause it's pretty clear that she stole all the good genes from the cast of Friends. In comparison Jen looks STUNNING and as though she hasn't aged a day, where as Lisa (urgh common first name) looks DOG rough and haggard. Even though we do love a bit of Phoebe she has let herself go a little too much for our liking, and with all that Friends money in her Natwest savings account ya think she'd get a little botox ennit. If we were Lisa this pic would send us over the edge.

[Image via WIRE/TMZ]

TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME

Now we ARE aware that Bobby Christina Brown's mom (Whitney ennit) has recently snuffed it, so although this post may seem insensitive just remember that we're only hating on the way the poor bitch looks. Until iconic Whitney passed on no one knew about Bobby or frankly gave a shit, but it looks like she is loving the limelight now. According to sources, she's got lots of projects in the pipeline including a range of Diet Coke for former addicts, multiple "tell-all" books and a debut fragrance called I Have Nothing. Is it just us or does Bobby look like a ghetto Cabbage Patch Kid with AIDS?

[Image via FLYNET]

THE DEVIL WEARS FUR ENNIT

It took us a while to realize that it wasn't just the windy weather that was raping Anna Wintour, but she'd also been cream pied (not the dirty kind) by PETA protesters in Paris over the weekend. According to sources, the fur loving Vogue editor freaked out and yelled "No, too many calories!" as she wiped the Cool Whip off her face. The poor bitch looked like she'd been cummed on as she was snapped making a STUNNING facial expression. We really wanna chuck her a (fashionable) bale of hay to nosh on.

[Image via REX FEATURES]

HAVING KIDS RUINS EVERYTHING

Jesus, what a difference 8 years can make huh? Former pop star (even that's stretching the truth) Jessica Simspon who's 2 years pregnant was snapped walking around Miami the other day and it looked like the Incredible Hulk. The poor bitch looked like she was about ready to shit out her baby on the street and not only is her belly expanding...it looks like every fucking body part has gone up 10 sizes. Jess is clearly one of those mom's who takes advantage of the "eating for two" excuse, as it looks like no food is off limits for the funt (fat cunt). She's a right sneaky bitch too cause even though she's just holding a bottle of Perrier, we know for sure there are donuts waiting in the car.

[Image via WIRE/SPLASH]

AIN'T NO OTHER CANDY BAR

We couldn't resist when we found this pic of singer (food addict) Christina Aguilera performing at the Michael Jackson tribute concert last summer. To be honest we're not that shocked that she's now using a Snickers bar as a microphone, but it does look a tad unprofessional doncha think? On a more positive note, we're loving everything about this look from the birds nest hair, drag make-up, pig nostrils, double chin and how we can we not notice her mouth, which was wide open in case some fans had treats for her. Them fat people are well devious ennit.

[Image via GETTY]

LAST HOLIDAY WEARING THIS WE HOPE

Now we know she's never been someone who you'd associate with class or money, so we're not too shocked to see Queen Latifah lookin' ghetto whilst on the beach in Barbados. The funny lady picked a feminine one piece for her vacay, but we're surprised she's not wearing a Speedo seeing as she's a big fat lesbo...allegedly. We do love the neck/ear tattoo she's got though...it's just SO classy.

[Image via SPLASH]

XTINA HAS OFFICIALLY BECOME A PIG

We decided to spend our day lazing around and prank calling celebrities for fun, but when we called Christina Aguilera at her house (pigsty) she scared the shit out of us. The above clip is what we recorded and the way she answered her phone proves that she's no longer human.