MONEY CAN'T FIX DEFORMITIES

If there was ever a poster girl (pig) to prove that money can't buy you looks, then MESMERIZING beauty Tori Spelling would definitely pick up an award. The actress (slut with a famous dad) looked like a pile of melted lard when she appeared on TV show Chelsea Lately last week (even low for her). The dog looked like an extra from the fuckin' muppets and to top off her STUNNING look she sported a lovely trout pout and double chin. We've always thought her fugly chin/jaw disorder made her look like the tranny version of Lurch from The Addams Family. Just sayin'.

Image via [POINTLESS CELEBS]

MAYBE GOLLUM HAD A SISTER?

We most definitely do have respect for the dead, but we're not letting this pic go unnoticed. We're sure you all know that late soul singer Amy Winehouse wasn't that blessed in the looks department, but this pic is just vomit worthy. It looks like a load of pubic hair hangin' out the window and don't even get us started on it's monkey like facial features. It's never too late however to express our condolences and we are still very sad at her passing. RIP Amy!

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

LOOK WHO'S EATING STILL

Oh dear, Kirstie! This pic just makes us sad cause after around 500 failed attempts to lose weight (that's gotta leave some stretch marks), Kirstie Alley is still fucking morbidly obese. The attractive fatty was seen at the launch for Tena Lady incontinence towels (piss pads) for women who are too lazy to go to the bathroom. It brings a smile to our faces when we look at her double (endless) chin that resembles a baby's ass and let's not forget those bloated pig lips. For fucks sake love, just put down the doughnuts and get that mammoth jaw wired up fast.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

UGLY SISTER ALERT

Here is the STUNNING heiress (talentless slut) Nicky Hilton trying (and failing) to look sexy with her over the shoulder pose. The end result is a down syndrome tranny mess minus the drool, and we wish someone would just tell Nicky to stay indoors cause the world shouldn't have to see this face. The bitch has a right fuckin' conk on her and combined with those LOVELY nashers she was destined to have a joke of a face.

[Image via REUTERS]

ALWAYS BE AN EASTENDER

Judging by the above pic of STUNNER Jessie Wallace it would seem that her stylist is either blind or hates her. She looked truly fuckin' DOG rough and it wasn't helped by the stupid bow in her hair, pencil thin (slapper) eyebrows and spider leg mascara. Urgh she looks like a cheap hooker who belongs back on Eastenders as a market stall owner. Doggg!

[Image via PA]

THIS BELONGS ON THE FLOOR

Okay, so we know that in reality people don't walk off an airplane and look hot, but when you're a celeb like Jennifer Lopez you should at least make the effort to look red carpet ready. Maybe we're being a little harsh (like we give a fuck), but JLo looked like a Colombian maid that had just finished her shift whilst leaving the airport. When the Latino slut is made up she even gives a dog a boner, but ooo she was lookin' ULTRA DOG rough here. Panda eyes, lacne (Latino acne) and a broad lookin' conk riddled her mess of a face so let's just say this wasn't her best look.

[Image via WIRE/TMZ]

FUCK VIVA I NEED COCK FOREVER

Don't ya think that UGG boots covered in silver sequins just make you think of classy gals? Yeah we don't think so either. We guess SHIT HOT MESS slapper Melanie Brown aka Scary Spice doesn't agree with the masses though, as the CHIC dog wore them just before she shat out another kid earlier today. She (it) did herself no favors by teaming them with blue sweatpants and a working class sweater. Add to that her big ole fat mess of a face (body in general) and you have a super rich council house tenant that got lucky back in the 90s. Life's just not fair ennit!

[Image via SPLASH]

FOOD IS MAKIN' ME A CRAZY FAT BITCH

Yer bastard, who could even predict that good ole Char could balloon to the size of a small Welsh town? Well your eyes aren't deceiving you, Charlotte Church really has become that much of a FAT fuck. The days of her "opera career" are certainly long gone judging by her WHALE of an backside and PIG face. Lovely that she topped off her NATURAL beauty with a skanky red bob and horizontal stripes, which really slim her down. Nice visible panty line too love.

[Image via FLYNET]

WEDDING DRESSES TO CHOW MEIN

Wow, isn't bridal wear designer (glorified Chinese take-out owner) Vera Wang just the picture of health? The walking corpse's skeleton could be heard clicking as she walked around NYC with fellow media whore Kim Kardashian. We always thought Vera was a lady boy, but that erect cipple (Chinese nipple) may prove to us that it is in fact a woman (dog). To be honest the only thing we have to say about her is that she really is a fucking MUNTER of a being. At least it finally looks like good ole Vicky B has got some competition as to who can live off drip food the longest.

[Image via RAMEY PIX/COCO PEREZ]

KEEPS GETTIN' BIGGER

Fuckin' hell! Fat bitch aka Christina Aguilera was almost unrecognizable whilst arriving at the airport in LA. We don't know if there's something calorific in the Hollywood water, but all these pop stars seem to be PILING it on. To add insult to injury, it looks as though Xtina has grown a flattering double chin. Oh how a flopped album and divorce can ruin one's figure. We hope lady gets her image back to normal and that ass back to a non-obese size asap.

[Image via FLYNET]

CELINE FOR OZ REMAKE?

This face hasn't made ANY women around the world jealous and we'd be willing to put a lot of money on that. Talented stunner (singing dog) Celine Dion was pictured at the airport en route to her own private island Dogville and boy did it look EVIL. At one point we had to do a double take as she really resembles the Wicked Witch Of The East in the classic movie The Wizard Of Oz. We've heard rumors that Celine is gunning for the role of the witch in the new 2012 remake, which we think would be a great move. Think of how much money the studio would save on make-up as the STUNNER could just wake up, slap on a bit of green powder and she'd be ready for the lights. Urgh her chin is makin' us feel sick.

[Image via REX FEATURES/MGM]

NOTHING COMPARES TO THIS MESS

You'd think the above pic was of some SAD slapper who got rejected from an X Factor audition, but take a closer look and you'll realize that it's none other than has-been vocalist Sinead O'Connor. The DOG ROUGH singer performed a few of her old hits at some pub in Dublin that no one cares about and boy did IT look a mess. Sinead should have probably hired a stylist (with what money she has left) if she intended to make a successful comeback, cause she looked like a lesbian Christian missionary who got dressed in the dark. We don't get why she opted to flash her STUNNING abs either. Can you say yuck?

[Image via SPLASH]

FROM RIMMEL TO CLEARASIL

Could someone please get this bitch a bag to put over her head cause it's makin' us feel sick! Ultra DOG rough model (slapper) Kate Moss was pictured falling out of yet another drug filled club with her mates Tracey and Kayleigh the other night. Urgh just about everything in this photo is making us quiver with disgust. Kate's barnet looked like it was dragged through a hedge backwards and then cummed on, her skin was a right state (thanks to using Rimmel products) and her STUNNING nose was lopsided thanks to Mr. Cocaine! We can honestly say that we have no fucking idea how this bitch gets work.

[Image via XPOSURE]

SHAMU CALLED AND WANTS IT'S FACE BACK

This was buried deep in The Sizzling Mess' vintage classics file and we thought it was about time to once again pay tribute to actress (whale) Mischa Barton. If you're all educated to degree level and read the glossies religiously, then you'll remember that she blamed her fat face in this pic on "dental surgery causing swelling". We worked out what Mischa actually meant to say and the translation is roughly: "I know I've become a right fat cunt, but my career's a fuckin' joke and eating my feelings makes me feel better". See we can always relate to the absolute truth! Rumor has it that The OC is coming back next year for a reunion special, but Mischa's old character Marissa is being played by a new girl with one chin. Fear not though OC fans, you will in fact catch a glimpse of Mischa herself as she's been cast as the whale that gets washed to shore in the beach scene. Yay everyone wins!

[Image via WIRE]

WHO SAYS YOU NEED TALENT?

There MUST be something wrong with Katie Price's head, cause what the ACTUAL FUCK does she think she looks like? The model (slut with herpes) was pictured promoting her new range of iPods that are shaped like cocks and vibrate. It looked like a human Barbie doll with chlamydia and her drag queen make up, RANK tits and clown eyebrows just pushed the look over the edge. Lucky male fans (and probably female too cause she's a whore) also had the chance to play with her tits for 2 minutes in exchange for a tenner. To be honest we think she should lower her price.

[Image via SPLASH]

SOMEONE CALL PET RESCUE

Ooo fuck, this PIG of a being looked positively EVIL as it walked (believe it or not) around the other day. Kelly Osbourne plucked up the courage to leave her kennel and attend a Weight Watchers class in LA, but after being told "no dogs allowed" she left abruptly and went back to the pound to eat her feelings. We're not sure what's up with her retarded whale face and lips, but it looks like the weight is definitely creepin' back on. Can you believe this bitch gets paid (with food) to co-host that shitty show Fashion Police. Wonder what her co-stars will think of her (it's) car crash of an outfit? Ooo love just do us a favor and stay indoors.

[Image via CPR/FLYNET]

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER THIS?

Cher is a lady (questionable) who's without a doubt stuck her tumor sized finger up to growing old gracefully, but judging by these pics she's paying the price cause it's looking FUCKING nasty. The 94 year old fag hag was papped outside her hotel in London and onlookers (gay fans from Manchester) must have shit themselves at the sight of this face. We think she's about ready for the morgue as it pretty much resembles a corpse with a wig on. Yeah we get it she's supposedly some "legend", but it's fucking scary to stare at this bitch for too long.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

BEHIND THESE THUNDER THIGHS

Holy FUCKING Christ (sorry man above) is all we have to say about this pic. It looks like EPIC fat bitch Kelly Clarkson has NO intention of having a successful album with a figure like a beached whale in flares. The singer (fucking pig) was doing a gig in Texas and as you can see she was screaming her brains out on stage. Word on the street is that her assistant forgot to bring along doughnuts...oops! On a more serious note, it looked like Kelly (urgh sounds well common by it's first name) was about to eat her microphone instead. Now that's just greedy!

[Image via REX FEATURES]

MAYBE PHOEBE HAS AGED BETTER?

Please just FUCK US HARD and tell us this image is a total fake! Unfortunately for Lisa Kudrow (aka faded Friends star) this is in fact what her MESS of a face looks like under the harsh light of day. We do love a bit of Pheebs but fuckin' hell she looks like a right haggard mess that would look more at home in a retirement community. Anyone got any spare Polyfilla to fill in the cracks?

[Image via MR PAPARAZZI]

NEVER GIVE A WHORE FLOWERS

Wow, this was classy of slapper Madonna at the press conference for her new movie W.E. (aka shit). A fan (yeah she still has them) approached her with a hydrangea as a gift (ya know God forbid) and she was TOTALLY fake and rude. He should of given her a dildo with a bomb in it...that would of taught the bitch.

PRINCESS FIONA IS LOOKIN' ROUGH

Okay, so we know she was probably making a bad facial expression and the camera flash didn't help, but FUCK Cameron Diaz is a right MUNTER minus the slap. The A-List (you wouldn't think the dog) movie star was photographed leaving her hotel whilst on the phone (hence the flattering facial folds) and let's just say that we don't think even Shrek would pork this. She's usually looking fine as hell on the red carpet, but this was a fuckin' FUGLY ASS off day. We'll let you off this once Cameron, but next time don't forget the paper bag.

[Image via SONY/TMZ]

GET THIS WAG A CUBE OF CHEESE

Ooo we bet Jamie ain't too fond of wakin' up next to this dog anymore. The former size zero WAG Louise Redknapp was pictured running (and struggling) around London after her Weight Watchers class and her SLIM thighs certainly suggested she'd been gorging on the pork pies. We thought the WAG was kinda hot minus the slap, but someone get this bitch a paper bag cause her face is makin' us hurl...talk about lookin' like a drowned rat. Her fucking teeth alone make her qualify as an extra in the new Ratatouille sequel.

[Image via GOTCHA]

LIKE A VIRGIN WHO LOVES DICK

Yeah our first words were what the fuck too. We're not entirely sure what's up with the queen (slut) of pop's face, but it's pretty clear that she's had "some" work done to her NATURAL looking mug. Eternally youthful (she wishes the dog) Madonna was pictured in Venice at a movie premiere and to be honest she looked like a fuckin' clown in drag. The RESPECTABLE icon (slapper who loves cock) was rocking a bloated pig face with fish lips at the prestigious event and looked like mutton dressed as lamb. Who's she kidding with that crucifix round her neck...she's had more pricks than second hand dartboard. We're glad to see she's at least putting her wealth to good use and maintaining her roots. Classy gal as always!

[Image via GETTY]

NO AMERICAN BOY WOULD WANT THIS

Fear not readers, this is just singer (we use the term loosely) Estelle and she will not, we repeat WILL NOT, come out of the screen and eat you. Just when ya think you've seen the biggest fuckin' state out there, this bitch FULL ON shits over them all. It's apparently had braces but desired results were never achieved according to her spokesperson (mum). Did someone recommend that maybe her dentist should try using reinforced steel to tame those EVIL nashers? The nasty fried hair and drag make up do nothing to disguise the fact that her nostrils could easily be double fucked. We've just received word that the casting director for the new Alien movie is looking for extras, so go on love get your application in. We wish you the best of luck!

[Image via REX FEATURES]