STEPS TRAGEDY IN MANCHESTER

We know you could easily confuse the above photo to be melted lard in a bin liner, but it is in fact former Steps star Claire Richards aka cheap tart who got lucky. The crappy 90s pop band are unfortunately reuniting for a greatest (shittest) hits album and were doing promo in Manchester. We don't get why they're embarrassing themselves and to add insult to injury only 100 fans showed up, of which 50 were paparazzi and the other 50 friends and family. Claire ain't foolin' anyone with that "add a belt to ya dress to give yourself a waist" trick either. Listen up love, when you look like flubber there ain't no point in even trying. Just go home, stick in an old Steps album and eat ya feelings. We'll be nice and give the lass some credit for her glittery River Island shoes. Apparently she was eying a pair of Jimmy Choo's but money ennit.

[Image via FLYNET]

FROM THE HILLS TO HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

Looking back in time we really did think that Heidi Montag was a cute little thing, but FUCK it's looking rough lately. The $5 hooker was pictured at some crappy event in Vegas and she looked a right trollop on the red carpet. We're loving her puffy fish lips too...you'd never guess she was the poster girl for surgery gone wrong would you?

[Image via HEIDI'S PIMP]

DANCING WITH THE FATTIES

Wow, we all know that when you think of your favorite competitive ballroom dancers, Lacey Schwimmer comes straight to mind. The two-tonne heffer was pictured wobbling around LA and boy oh boy it's built like a brick shit house. We certainly ain't envious of those slimline thighs and stunnin' saddle bags. For some reason we think she'd be good in a Christmas movie, cause she kinda has elf-like features no?

[Image via INF]

XTINA'S ASS WOULD ROCK MJ'S WORLD

Ooo super talented heffer Christina Aguilera is pretty much askin' for it now. The beached whale was photographed performing at the Michael Jackson Tribute concert in Wales over the weekend and it looked like a bloated pig in drag. We're not entirely sure what's going on with her STUNNING hair, cause it looked like a birds nest covered in cum. Her stylist once again put her in an outfit that was 30 sizes too small, and voila the result is an ensemble that resembles trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. We can't be sure but is Xtina trying to catch food in the right pic? At the end of the day we've got lotsa love for this CLASSY bitch!

[Image via GETTY]

BEST MAKEUP AWARD GOES TO...

Urgh skank bitch actress Paz De La Huerta aka the dirty lookin' import was looking fucking NASTY at this years Emmy Awards. To be honest, we're shocked that she paid to look like she'd been rimming a gorilla's shitbox and it's hair looked like a lesbo skunk that'd been fucked and shaved. Maybe next time you shouldn't match your lip color to your turd color sweetie.

[Image via SPLASH]

WALKING TAKES MY BREATH AWAY

We love a bit of Jessica Simpson, but FUCK it really looks like she's ditched the calorie counting for good. The bloated whale was pictured on a walk (shocker) in Texas and her male friend was carrying what looked like a snack...those fatties are sneaky bastards. We wish she'd just be honest with herself and wear a tent with the words "I'm really insecure about my body" written across it. On a slightly more alarming note, it appears her overeating has spun outta control as she's missing her left hand.

[Image via COLEMAN-RAYNER]

I'M REALLY NOT INSECURE...HONEST!

Holy shit balls! What the ACTUAL fuck has Jodie Marsh done to herself? The former glamour model aka poor man's Jordan (urgh that is low) has now turned to female bodybuilding to make a living and IT looks fucking horrific. Aside from looking like an Ethiopian tranny with a six pack, Jodie has just ruined the semi-nice figure she once had. We kinda feel sad for her cause she's deluded if she thinks she looks even close to good.

[Image via TWITTER]

FAR FROM MAGNIFIQUE

Urgh, this dog with downs is takin' the piss now cause she's left her house more than twice in one week. Natalie Cassidy was pictured leaving the gym (we're serious) in Manchester and IT looked a right FATE (fat state). We don't know who she's trying to kid with a top saying "magnifique" cause the dog is far from it. Her personal trainer who prefers to remain nameless revealed to The Sizzling Mess that she "brings Pedigree treats to most sessions" and on occasion when she finishes her cardio "gets on all fours and begs for a treat". What a fucking RANK handbag too.

[Image via GOFF]

AMERICAN IDOL MEETS JUNGLE BOOK

Although we are most definitely NOT racist, we are biting our tongues with this one of fess (fucking mess) Jennifer Hudson. We can't quite believe it's the same girl (thing) and once again like every mess we've posted about lately, we reckon we could fuck this bitches nostrils too. Ooo it really does look fuckin' DOG rough though and that $5 wig belongs on a scarecrow. Ennit crazy what make up can do!

[Image via WENN/PEOPLE]

MONEY CAN'T FIX DEFORMITIES

If there was ever a poster girl (pig) to prove that money can't buy you looks, then MESMERIZING beauty Tori Spelling would definitely pick up an award. The actress (slut with a famous dad) looked like a pile of melted lard when she appeared on TV show Chelsea Lately last week (even low for her). The dog looked like an extra from the fuckin' muppets and to top off her STUNNING look she sported a lovely trout pout and double chin. We've always thought her fugly chin/jaw disorder made her look like the tranny version of Lurch from The Addams Family. Just sayin'.

Image via [POINTLESS CELEBS]

MAYBE GOLLUM HAD A SISTER?

We most definitely do have respect for the dead, but we're not letting this pic go unnoticed. We're sure you all know that late soul singer Amy Winehouse wasn't that blessed in the looks department, but this pic is just vomit worthy. It looks like a load of pubic hair hangin' out the window and don't even get us started on it's monkey like facial features. It's never too late however to express our condolences and we are still very sad at her passing. RIP Amy!

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

LOOK WHO'S EATING STILL

Oh dear, Kirstie! This pic just makes us sad cause after around 500 failed attempts to lose weight (that's gotta leave some stretch marks), Kirstie Alley is still fucking morbidly obese. The attractive fatty was seen at the launch for Tena Lady incontinence towels (piss pads) for women who are too lazy to go to the bathroom. It brings a smile to our faces when we look at her double (endless) chin that resembles a baby's ass and let's not forget those bloated pig lips. For fucks sake love, just put down the doughnuts and get that mammoth jaw wired up fast.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

UGLY SISTER ALERT

Here is the STUNNING heiress (talentless slut) Nicky Hilton trying (and failing) to look sexy with her over the shoulder pose. The end result is a down syndrome tranny mess minus the drool, and we wish someone would just tell Nicky to stay indoors cause the world shouldn't have to see this face. The bitch has a right fuckin' conk on her and combined with those LOVELY nashers she was destined to have a joke of a face.

[Image via REUTERS]

ALWAYS BE AN EASTENDER

Judging by the above pic of STUNNER Jessie Wallace it would seem that her stylist is either blind or hates her. She looked truly fuckin' DOG rough and it wasn't helped by the stupid bow in her hair, pencil thin (slapper) eyebrows and spider leg mascara. Urgh she looks like a cheap hooker who belongs back on Eastenders as a market stall owner. Doggg!

[Image via PA]

THIS BELONGS ON THE FLOOR

Okay, so we know that in reality people don't walk off an airplane and look hot, but when you're a celeb like Jennifer Lopez you should at least make the effort to look red carpet ready. Maybe we're being a little harsh (like we give a fuck), but JLo looked like a Colombian maid that had just finished her shift whilst leaving the airport. When the Latino slut is made up she even gives a dog a boner, but ooo she was lookin' ULTRA DOG rough here. Panda eyes, lacne (Latino acne) and a broad lookin' conk riddled her mess of a face so let's just say this wasn't her best look.

[Image via WIRE/TMZ]

FUCK VIVA I NEED COCK FOREVER

Don't ya think that UGG boots covered in silver sequins just make you think of classy gals? Yeah we don't think so either. We guess SHIT HOT MESS slapper Melanie Brown aka Scary Spice doesn't agree with the masses though, as the CHIC dog wore them just before she shat out another kid earlier today. She (it) did herself no favors by teaming them with blue sweatpants and a working class sweater. Add to that her big ole fat mess of a face (body in general) and you have a super rich council house tenant that got lucky back in the 90s. Life's just not fair ennit!

[Image via SPLASH]

FOOD IS MAKIN' ME A CRAZY FAT BITCH

Yer bastard, who could even predict that good ole Char could balloon to the size of a small Welsh town? Well your eyes aren't deceiving you, Charlotte Church really has become that much of a FAT fuck. The days of her "opera career" are certainly long gone judging by her WHALE of an backside and PIG face. Lovely that she topped off her NATURAL beauty with a skanky red bob and horizontal stripes, which really slim her down. Nice visible panty line too love.

[Image via FLYNET]

WEDDING DRESSES TO CHOW MEIN

Wow, isn't bridal wear designer (glorified Chinese take-out owner) Vera Wang just the picture of health? The walking corpse's skeleton could be heard clicking as she walked around NYC with fellow media whore Kim Kardashian. We always thought Vera was a lady boy, but that erect cipple (Chinese nipple) may prove to us that it is in fact a woman (dog). To be honest the only thing we have to say about her is that she really is a fucking MUNTER of a being. At least it finally looks like good ole Vicky B has got some competition as to who can live off drip food the longest.

[Image via RAMEY PIX/COCO PEREZ]

KEEPS GETTIN' BIGGER

Fuckin' hell! Fat bitch aka Christina Aguilera was almost unrecognizable whilst arriving at the airport in LA. We don't know if there's something calorific in the Hollywood water, but all these pop stars seem to be PILING it on. To add insult to injury, it looks as though Xtina has grown a flattering double chin. Oh how a flopped album and divorce can ruin one's figure. We hope lady gets her image back to normal and that ass back to a non-obese size asap.

[Image via FLYNET]

CELINE FOR OZ REMAKE?

This face hasn't made ANY women around the world jealous and we'd be willing to put a lot of money on that. Talented stunner (singing dog) Celine Dion was pictured at the airport en route to her own private island Dogville and boy did it look EVIL. At one point we had to do a double take as she really resembles the Wicked Witch Of The East in the classic movie The Wizard Of Oz. We've heard rumors that Celine is gunning for the role of the witch in the new 2012 remake, which we think would be a great move. Think of how much money the studio would save on make-up as the STUNNER could just wake up, slap on a bit of green powder and she'd be ready for the lights. Urgh her chin is makin' us feel sick.

[Image via REX FEATURES/MGM]

NOTHING COMPARES TO THIS MESS

You'd think the above pic was of some SAD slapper who got rejected from an X Factor audition, but take a closer look and you'll realize that it's none other than has-been vocalist Sinead O'Connor. The DOG ROUGH singer performed a few of her old hits at some pub in Dublin that no one cares about and boy did IT look a mess. Sinead should have probably hired a stylist (with what money she has left) if she intended to make a successful comeback, cause she looked like a lesbian Christian missionary who got dressed in the dark. We don't get why she opted to flash her STUNNING abs either. Can you say yuck?

[Image via SPLASH]

FROM RIMMEL TO CLEARASIL

Could someone please get this bitch a bag to put over her head cause it's makin' us feel sick! Ultra DOG rough model (slapper) Kate Moss was pictured falling out of yet another drug filled club with her mates Tracey and Kayleigh the other night. Urgh just about everything in this photo is making us quiver with disgust. Kate's barnet looked like it was dragged through a hedge backwards and then cummed on, her skin was a right state (thanks to using Rimmel products) and her STUNNING nose was lopsided thanks to Mr. Cocaine! We can honestly say that we have no fucking idea how this bitch gets work.

[Image via XPOSURE]

SHAMU CALLED AND WANTS IT'S FACE BACK

This was buried deep in The Sizzling Mess' vintage classics file and we thought it was about time to once again pay tribute to actress (whale) Mischa Barton. If you're all educated to degree level and read the glossies religiously, then you'll remember that she blamed her fat face in this pic on "dental surgery causing swelling". We worked out what Mischa actually meant to say and the translation is roughly: "I know I've become a right fat cunt, but my career's a fuckin' joke and eating my feelings makes me feel better". See we can always relate to the absolute truth! Rumor has it that The OC is coming back next year for a reunion special, but Mischa's old character Marissa is being played by a new girl with one chin. Fear not though OC fans, you will in fact catch a glimpse of Mischa herself as she's been cast as the whale that gets washed to shore in the beach scene. Yay everyone wins!

[Image via WIRE]

WHO SAYS YOU NEED TALENT?

There MUST be something wrong with Katie Price's head, cause what the ACTUAL FUCK does she think she looks like? The model (slut with herpes) was pictured promoting her new range of iPods that are shaped like cocks and vibrate. It looked like a human Barbie doll with chlamydia and her drag queen make up, RANK tits and clown eyebrows just pushed the look over the edge. Lucky male fans (and probably female too cause she's a whore) also had the chance to play with her tits for 2 minutes in exchange for a tenner. To be honest we think she should lower her price.

[Image via SPLASH]

SOMEONE CALL PET RESCUE

Ooo fuck, this PIG of a being looked positively EVIL as it walked (believe it or not) around the other day. Kelly Osbourne plucked up the courage to leave her kennel and attend a Weight Watchers class in LA, but after being told "no dogs allowed" she left abruptly and went back to the pound to eat her feelings. We're not sure what's up with her retarded whale face and lips, but it looks like the weight is definitely creepin' back on. Can you believe this bitch gets paid (with food) to co-host that shitty show Fashion Police. Wonder what her co-stars will think of her (it's) car crash of an outfit? Ooo love just do us a favor and stay indoors.

[Image via CPR/FLYNET]

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER THIS?

Cher is a lady (questionable) who's without a doubt stuck her tumor sized finger up to growing old gracefully, but judging by these pics she's paying the price cause it's looking FUCKING nasty. The 94 year old fag hag was papped outside her hotel in London and onlookers (gay fans from Manchester) must have shit themselves at the sight of this face. We think she's about ready for the morgue as it pretty much resembles a corpse with a wig on. Yeah we get it she's supposedly some "legend", but it's fucking scary to stare at this bitch for too long.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

BEHIND THESE THUNDER THIGHS

Holy FUCKING Christ (sorry man above) is all we have to say about this pic. It looks like EPIC fat bitch Kelly Clarkson has NO intention of having a successful album with a figure like a beached whale in flares. The singer (fucking pig) was doing a gig in Texas and as you can see she was screaming her brains out on stage. Word on the street is that her assistant forgot to bring along doughnuts...oops! On a more serious note, it looked like Kelly (urgh sounds well common by it's first name) was about to eat her microphone instead. Now that's just greedy!

[Image via REX FEATURES]

MAYBE PHOEBE HAS AGED BETTER?

Please just FUCK US HARD and tell us this image is a total fake! Unfortunately for Lisa Kudrow (aka faded Friends star) this is in fact what her MESS of a face looks like under the harsh light of day. We do love a bit of Pheebs but fuckin' hell she looks like a right haggard mess that would look more at home in a retirement community. Anyone got any spare Polyfilla to fill in the cracks?

[Image via MR PAPARAZZI]

NEVER GIVE A WHORE FLOWERS

Wow, this was classy of slapper Madonna at the press conference for her new movie W.E. (aka shit). A fan (yeah she still has them) approached her with a hydrangea as a gift (ya know God forbid) and she was TOTALLY fake and rude. He should of given her a dildo with a bomb in it...that would of taught the bitch.

PRINCESS FIONA IS LOOKIN' ROUGH

Okay, so we know she was probably making a bad facial expression and the camera flash didn't help, but FUCK Cameron Diaz is a right MUNTER minus the slap. The A-List (you wouldn't think the dog) movie star was photographed leaving her hotel whilst on the phone (hence the flattering facial folds) and let's just say that we don't think even Shrek would pork this. She's usually looking fine as hell on the red carpet, but this was a fuckin' FUGLY ASS off day. We'll let you off this once Cameron, but next time don't forget the paper bag.

[Image via SONY/TMZ]

GET THIS WAG A CUBE OF CHEESE

Ooo we bet Jamie ain't too fond of wakin' up next to this dog anymore. The former size zero WAG Louise Redknapp was pictured running (and struggling) around London after her Weight Watchers class and her SLIM thighs certainly suggested she'd been gorging on the pork pies. We thought the WAG was kinda hot minus the slap, but someone get this bitch a paper bag cause her face is makin' us hurl...talk about lookin' like a drowned rat. Her fucking teeth alone make her qualify as an extra in the new Ratatouille sequel.

[Image via GOTCHA]

LIKE A VIRGIN WHO LOVES DICK

Yeah our first words were what the fuck too. We're not entirely sure what's up with the queen (slut) of pop's face, but it's pretty clear that she's had "some" work done to her NATURAL looking mug. Eternally youthful (she wishes the dog) Madonna was pictured in Venice at a movie premiere and to be honest she looked like a fuckin' clown in drag. The RESPECTABLE icon (slapper who loves cock) was rocking a bloated pig face with fish lips at the prestigious event and looked like mutton dressed as lamb. Who's she kidding with that crucifix round her neck...she's had more pricks than second hand dartboard. We're glad to see she's at least putting her wealth to good use and maintaining her roots. Classy gal as always!

[Image via GETTY]

NO AMERICAN BOY WOULD WANT THIS

Fear not readers, this is just singer (we use the term loosely) Estelle and she will not, we repeat WILL NOT, come out of the screen and eat you. Just when ya think you've seen the biggest fuckin' state out there, this bitch FULL ON shits over them all. It's apparently had braces but desired results were never achieved according to her spokesperson (mum). Did someone recommend that maybe her dentist should try using reinforced steel to tame those EVIL nashers? The nasty fried hair and drag make up do nothing to disguise the fact that her nostrils could easily be double fucked. We've just received word that the casting director for the new Alien movie is looking for extras, so go on love get your application in. We wish you the best of luck!

[Image via REX FEATURES]

5-6-7-8 I'M A FUCKIN' DOG

Urgh fuckin' hell! We didn't even Photoshop this picture and we feel sick. That's how truly DOG rough faded star (never one anyway) Lisa Scott Lee has gotten lately. She was never no oil painting bless her, but she's always had that cheap slapper that gets her tits out fut lads (for a tenner cause she's got kids to feed now) look about her. It puzzles us that even when she's all dolled up for EXCLUSIVE events like Lidl store openings, she still manages to look like she's been fucked 50 times and then spat on. If her career couldn't stoop any lower, then last week may have been the final job (and 50 quid) to push her over the edge. She was pictured above singing Steps hits (fuckin' hell love it were 30 year ago) to the crowd at some festival no one gives a shit about in Great Yarmouth. With a nostril her size we're pretty sure we could fit a cock up it. Anyone wanna bet?

[Image via LISA'S MUM]

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BIG MAC

We are severely confused over at The Sizzling Mess. We DO NOT understand how diva pig Mariah Carey STILL hasn't shifted any of that baby weight? The whale/drag queen was pictured performing a TV special in honor of Obama (yes he's unfortunately still the President) and frankly she looked like she still had another couple babies to shit out. To top it all off, we learned that her stylist couldn't even find her a dress that fit, so they took desperate measures and bought 300 meters of red lace and voila you have the STUNNING creation seen above.

[Image via GETTY]

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL DOG

Wow, this is a whole new level of a "celebrity" without make-up. Don't be confused readers, this isn't Katy Perry's down-syndrome twin sister, it's just what the starlet looks like minus 3 hours of hair and slap. The dirty bitch posted this pic of herself via Twitter whilst getting a colonic irrigation. We guess this is also her sex face when Russell Brand plays with her fart box? Urgh the rank hair, blotchy pale skin and forehead wrinkles just screams HOT MESS in need of major assistance. We're glad we don't have to wake up next to this dog in the morning!

[Image via WENN/TWITTER]

THE TOOTH FAIRY CAN SING

Now this bitch ain't crazy fugly, but FUCK does she have some teeth on her! English singer Natasha Bedingfield performed an "intimate set" (code for she's too shit for arenas) in LA last week and her mess of a face and nasty lookin' birds nest hair did most of the talking. We think her hairstylist and dentist must hate her, cause these are the results of using a gallon of hairspray and not being educated about dental options available to those who resemble Bugs Bunny. We're guessing her boyfriend must shit a brick whenever she's in the mood to give him a gob job. If not then he MUST be partially blind. We know she's wishing that microphone was a carrot instead.

[Image via WENN]

OOPS...SHE'S EATEN TOO MUCH AGAIN!

Judging by the latest photos from Britney Spears' new tour, it's pretty clear that instead of working out like a bastard she opted to stuff her face like a fat bitch and this is why you're seeing a semi-beached whale. We wish the TALENTED vocalist would get her shit together once and for all and just stop fuckin' eating. Pigs might fly before that happens though. On top of her mess of a body, stretch marks and Primark outfits, our sources claim she took a coffee/doughnut break every 30 minutes to re-energize herself. Mmm for what exactly? We know that lip-syncing must really take it's toll on the vocal cords. If however her spokesperson announces that she's up the duff in the near future then we're sincerely apologize for this post. Fat bitch.

[Image via SPLASH]

FREE WILLY'S YOUTUBE DEBUT

Holy FUCK balls is pretty much all we have to say to the above video. Now we know it's not nice to lower people's self-esteem for kicks, but we physically CANNOT hold back when it comes to this MESS of a being. We kinda liked it's singing but we're not sure it's breathing properly to best support those beautiful notes. We're guessing that maybe a Big Mac is lodged in her throat or something? We know she's just a kid/beached whale, but Ke$ha better watch out cause it looks like this fitch (fat bitch) means business! According to the rumor mill she'll be going by her professional name Lady Lard and her new album Blow Hole is out later this year. We wish you all the best love!

ONCE A FATTY ALWAYS A FATTY

We're confused after seeing this photo of STUNNER Kelly Osbourne who's apparently supposed to be skinny now. On top of her fucking MESS of an outfit, bobble head and thunder thighs, the TALENTED star (fat bitch) was rockin' a fugly ass pig nose on the red carpet. We don't quite get what she does to stay relevant besides pretending to know a shit load about fashion. On the upside, Kel is apparently getting her own character on Farmville in the near future...boink!

[Image via WIRE]

IT'S JUST MONEY ENNIT

Now we ain't sayin' this bitch is a mess cause she's SHIT hot, but one thing that AMAZING actress Jennifer Aniston didn't always have were slim thighs. Judging by the oldies we found above which were taken in around '96, it's clear that her ass could have easily cracked a walnut or two back in the day. Isn't it great when celebs tell the truth about how they were just 'blessed' with good genes and shit like that? Come on Jen, we all know the secret to that body is making yourself throw up after every meal. If money's also the key then what the fuck is Khloe Kardashian's excuse?

[Image via WIRE]

MUTTON DRESSED AS MUTTON

We secretly hoped that Kim Kardashian was gonna wear some mess of a wedding gown by Skechers but this shits a whole lot better! Just leave it to SHIT HOT fess (fucking mess) Lindsay Lohan to show up to your wedding a half an hour before her shift starts on Hollywood Boulevard. For those of you who aren't well-versed in the world of Lohan, that isn't her sister or colleague next to her - it's her BEYOND classy mom (manager) Dina Lohan. Doesn't saying Dina over and over just sound like pure class in itself? These two look like a pair of fuckin' has-been hookers and Lindsay what the FUCK is up with your bloated porn star pig face?

[Image via SPLASH]

NEW GENERATION WORKOUT

Over at The Sizzling Mess we struggled to watch this clip from South Park without pissing ourselves with laughter, but what we really can't believe is that they actually exist for regular people (sluts in need of hand job practice) to purchase! We're not sure if the real version actually releases a "cool down spray" upon workout completion, but if it does we're hoping it's water! Maybe this will be the next product that Kim Karadashian lends her name to?

BIG REWARD FOR A LOST DOG

We must admit that watching Duchess Fergie on her OWN show made us feel an ounce of sympathy, but FUCK she really does look like a drained old ginga slapper that's way past it's sell-by date. The (desperate) former Princess cried throughout most of the show and quite frankly bored us after five minutes. We waited and waited but there was no fun finale or any scenes where she let random strangers fuck her in exchange for 50 bucks. Girl, you need to start earning your own money!

[Image via SPLASH]

COCO THE FUCKIN' CLOWN

Oh Sonja darlin', why do you keep on leavin' the house without that Lidl bag over ya head? You know you're gonna get lots of press with that STUNNING face girl! Anyway, cheap-lookin' gal (questionable) Natalie Cassidy looked like a fucking clown in drag when she (he/it) appeared on award-winning chat show Loose Women (aka The View gone wrong). We guess that now Eastenders is over all she can afford to wear for press appearances are 'over sized' white shirts from Primark. As long as that mess of a body is covered up we'll be happy love!

[Image via KEN MCKAY/REX]

IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF HOCUS POCUS

HOLY FUCK balls was our initial reaction to this photo of (fashion icon) Sarah Jessica Parker. This HAS to be THE fugliest looking thing living on the island of Manhattan, but STUNNER SJP didn't seem to care as she was walking the streets of NYC after her witch craft lesson. But wait, her FUG level don't stop there people. Sources claim there's evidence to suggest that SJP actually resembles a human foot (we kid not), and several studies also indicate that she is part human, part TROLL. Perhaps she's hinting to Disney producers that's she's up for doing a sequel to Hocus Pocus?

[Image via WIRE]

JESS DA VOCAL MESS

This is a variety of "mess" that we've not yet ventured into, but once again Jessica Simpson leaves us with no choice. At least Jess only has one chin here, but the real focus (besides her now obese frame) is her AMAZING vocal ability. We've always thought of her as the hotter, poor man's version of Xtina, but why does it look/sound like she's climaxing when she "sings"...? Don't forget to note the BEAUTIFUL facial expressions she makes whilst singing (pushing out a turd) that would look more at home in a commercial for Pepto-Bismol.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Now we've never really been that bothered when it comes to "singer" LeAnn Rimes, but what truly makes us interested in her is the fact that she ain't no oil panting whether she's dressed up or down. We get that she's a total health freak (bulimic in denial), but even after shedding 50 pounds (much needed), she still resembles an extra from Planet Of The Apes. In our minds she seems about 46, but she's actually just 28. Rather hard to believe if you ask us. Anyhoo here she is looking like a ugly duckling that is trying to convince the world she's a swan. B+ for the outfit though.

[Image via SPLASH]

BROTHEL BRIDESMAID

When Lily Allen got married at the weekend, we think her sister (kinda) Sarah Owen missed the memo and instead got dressed as if she was off to meet a client. Come on, is that really appropriate attire for a wedding? Maybe if you live off a Giro, have 12 kids and your idea of a "great" evening is going down the pub. It looked BEYOND classy what with her tits pushed up to her neck and her dress was so high everyone could probably see what she had for breakfast the dirty slut (allegedly). Lily and Sarah are obviously very well bred.

[Image via FLYNET]

AVID SUN BLOCK USER

Who'd have thought "supermodel" Kate Moss could be the next poster girl for sun block? Talk about sun damage love, urgh what a fucking MESS she is lately (last 10 years). We DO NOT understand how this EPIC dog lands so many advertising campaigns? Maybe it's her beautiful skin tone, glossy locks or perfect "white" smile that attracts? Forgive our sarcasm but we have to make a joke of her face cause otherwise we'll throw up. If ever a woman owed her success to Photoshop, it would HAVE to be Kate. It does however look like she's really taken care of herself over the years (containing laughter), but every time we see a photo of her we literally wanna force her to shower. Oh to be a supermodel.

[Image via GOFF]