HOW IS THIS BITCH STILL ALIVE...FOR REAL?

We genuinely don't understand how Gabourey Sidibe both continues to walk the earth and also breathe in general? The actress isn't just huge she's mammoth and must live in multiple zip codes due to her larger than life frame. While we liked her in Precious and AHS Coven there ain't no denying that this bitch is one epic walrus. Surely her heart is crying on a daily basis and her toilet must literally hate her and sweat in fear after every meal she ingests.

[Image via GETTY]

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS SHIT HONEY

Lauren Goodger is either really clever and has a fitness DVD in the works or she's just a fat mess who's more deluded than Madonna is about her career. The former TOWIE star was papped "working out" in clothing about 50 sizes too small and it really did look evil. To be honest we pity the poor onlookers who were trying to do their daily workout without bringing up their lunch. We just can't think of any men who would want to procreate with this mess.

[Image via FLYNET]

DREAM LOVER HAS BECOME CAKE LOVER...

We honestly don't get what goes on in the kitchen of singer turned beast Mariah Carey these days. The high note songstress was papped leaving her apartment in NYC yesterday and judging by her fat ass cheeks it looked as though she'd been back on the pies again. Seriously did someone just inflate her head cause it looks fucking huge? At least she kept her massive tits and thighs hidden cause we know MC loves dressing like a whore, although it doesn't work when your body resembles the frame of a pig honey. Just pick a side like Nicole Richie and Kirstie Alley have and stay there!

[Image via AKM/GSI]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK LIKE HONEY?

Oh honey why have you still not bought a mirror? Lauren Goodger really doesn't understand just how fucking mucky and nasty she looks cause bitch turned up to some shitty product launch recently looking like a walking turd. The former TOWIE star seems to like resembling a diarrhea strain cause that tan just ain't going nowhere. All we wanna do it rip out the extensions, wipe all that muck off her face and stick her through a car wash.

[Image via REX]

DOES THIS SKANK NOT LEARN ANYTHING?

Seriously does Lauren Goodger actually think resembling a perma-tanned pig is a good look cause we're confused? The whale was papped leaving a club in Essex (classy) the other night and as per usual she was sporting another ill fitting outfit, thunder thighs and huge color differences all over her body. You'd think that with money and seeing yourself pretty much everyday in pap shots would be enough to tell you that you're failed beauty routine needs reassessing. Just sayin'.

[Image via LUMINOUS]

PIGS CAN'T FLY...THEY CAN SWIM APPARENTLY

Oh man what does this bitch see when she looks in the mirror! Gemma Collins once again decided to buy a bikini that was 10 sizes too small and wear it on the beach in Dubai recently...she knows exactly what gets our hearts racing and stomachs churning. Seriously though y'all what the fuck is the woman thinking when she parades her lard ass body around looking like this? We're all for inner confidence but when you've got a second cleavage and are losing thing in your rolls of fat it's time to make a change. We're pretty sure the poor fuckers who saw this walrus are now in therapy or on a major diet.

[Image via SPLASH]

SERIOUSLY HONEY LOOK IN THE MIRROR...

We honestly don't understand what Lauren Goodger see's when she looks in the mirror cause it don't look good to the general public. The tacky and tanned reality star was papped leaving a party in Essex recently and once again her legs looked toxic in comparison to the rest of her body. We're also not sure what the fuck is going on with her lips cause it looks like the bitch got stung by a bee. Everything about this look is just gross and the Louboutin's just add to the tacky factor cause they're so 2007 WAG now.

[Image via XPOSURE]

HAS THIS BITCH GONE AND GAINED WEIGHT?

It really pisses us off that all these lame ass fashion blogs and online showbiz sites diss the fuck out of a hot bitch who rocks up in a nasty dress to an awards show, but when mammoth Gabourey Sidibe shows up they all decide to be nice and fake. Please say you agree or even know what we're taking about cause if not you're an idiot too...vent over. Anyway the human version of Free Willy was papped walking the red carpet at the Golden Globes last night and while bitch looked kinda nice in the dress, she just looked like the ghetto version of Octomom. We love her as an actress and she's super cute but fuck does it need to lose a shit load of weight otherwise bitch gon' die. When your arms look more at home in a kebab shop action needs to be taken. Just sayin'.

[Image via GETTY]

TIME TO GET YOUR JAW WIRED UP HONEY

Oh no honey as if you left your gaff looking like this again. Lauren Goodger just never seems to learn and you think after getting the boot from TOWIE for being too fat she'd learn, but the woman still continues to stuff her fat face. What's more embarrassing is that the bitch ain't even 6 months along or anything...she's just that fucking obese. Next time stay away from dresses made out of elastic cause nobody want to see those rank curves hugged love.

[Image via FLYNET]

PRECIOUS COULD LITERALLY EAT RUSSIA

Okay so we get that Gabourey Sidibe is a really good actress and she's got the whole cuteness appeal, but fuck does the bitch have nasty figure. The star was papped filming scenes for her latest stint on American Horror Story in New Orleans recently and it looked like she'd ballooned even more...we guess pigs can fly. Seriously though it's waaay unhealthy for her to be this fat and the woman ain't even got small ankles or anything...it's fucking huge everywhere. Please stop eating Gabby cause you're gonna put yourself in an early grave!

[Image via SPLASH]

THIS SHIT HAS TOTES GIVEN US THE FEAR!

It's no one wonder Lily Allen's career has gone down the toilet, cause it looks like the bitch has fucking eaten it along with tons of other shit. The crappy singer was papped walking (struggling too bless her) at the recent Glastonbury festival and we reckon she'd have faired better in a wheelchair. We know she's always been a bit on the porky side and had dumpy legs, but she clearly took "eating for two" way too literally. Don't fool us with those shoes either cause the only running you do is to the fridge and back.

[Image via BARCROFT]

PIGS ARE DIGGIN' MAGALUF THIS YEAR...

At least it's half covered up right? Gemma Collins aka the walking walrus from Essex was papped on vacay with her fellow dumb ass buddies in the culture filled island of Magaluf and once again it looked like a stick of butter playing dress-up. The reality TV fatty was seen walking (yes walking) around her resort and according to a source people fell off their sun beds due to the mini earthquake-like sensation. Oh the embarrassment to cause such situations huh? We can't even imagine how sweaty this bitch's muff must of got from being abroad. Ya major fucking ew.

[Image via SPLASH]

YOU WOULDN'T WANT THIS TO FART NEAR YOU

Lena Dunham aka the annoying feminist dyke from HBO's Girls has got one hell of a nasty physique and although some readers think we hate on people cause we hate ourselves we don't care...these thighs are making us gag. Sorry but if you're morbidly obese from the neck down you shouldn't wear denim shorts and strut around Manhattan thinking you're hot. We kinda like the show but both this bitch and her character can get kinda annoying.

[Image via JOSE PEREZ]

YOUR BODY AIN'T ON FIRE GIRLFRIEND!

Alicia Keys recently kick started her world tour and boy oh boy can the stage feel it every night judging by the above snap. The hit maker who screams rather than sings was seen wearing sprayed on skinny jeans (great look when you're obese) and t-bar heels...huge no no! The top was okay but fucking weird and we never realized how much ass and hip this bitch packs. Just sayin'.

[Image via GSI]

THE AWARD FOR UGLIEST COUPLE GOES TO...

Beth Ditto is kinda cool in the way that she really doesn't give a shit about fashion or having a healthy heart, but on the other hand she's just an obese pig. The lead singer of Gossip was seen attending some shit event with an Asian queen for a date and the pair of them looked truly butters. If you look too closely it looks like he's gonna eat you and we don't understand why Valentino agreed to dress Beth unless she paid for the shoes herself. Is it just us or do you think Jessie J would look like this if she was obese too?

[Image via GOFF]

HOW IS THIS BITCH NOT SKINNY ALREADY?

Okay we really don't get how there are always pictures of Gemms Collins "working out", yet the bitch still seems to resemble a walking whale from Essex. The reality TV porker was once again papped fake running through her local park in skin tight black lycra and although it wasn't white it didn't make her look good in anyway. Just looking at those vomit worthy rolls of fat and a double chin we could hide in is enough to make us purge to be honest. Usually when you exercise you lose weight so erm yeah we don't know what the deal is here.

[Image via TM MED]

THOSE BEAUTIFUL LYRICS ARE JUST LIES...

Christina Aguilera clearly doesn't own any mirrors cause bitch has full on PILED it on these past few years and nothing is changing for the better. The diva bitch singer was seen en route to lunch (shocker) in LA recently and even her dog was pictured gagging whilst watching the whale walk away. We really don't know what's going on in Xtina's head, but bitch really needs to get her jaw wired up pronto and hit the gym cause when you're not relevant and morbidly obese you've gotta work extra hard to make those sales. Just sayin'.

[Image via X17]

RED CARPETS SHOULD HAVE WEIGHT LIMITS

Now while we just LOVE us some Melissa McCarthy, bitch just did not look good when it walked the red carpet at the Oscars on Sunday. The funny lady is either partially sighted or she seriously fucked off her stylist cause it looked like a pile of lard thrown into a trash bag that'd been competing in a car race. Regardless of whether they failed miserably and even though her dress was clearly crying at the seams, we do admire how they tried to conceal her pussy fat with that cleverly placed fabric gathering It's such a shame when bad outfits happen to good people but shit does happen people.

[Image via GETTY]

SOMETIMES EVEN ANIMALS GET IT WRONG

We stumbled across this golden oldie of TV personality (pig) Vanessa Feltz and couldn't help but not feature it on The Sizzling Mess for your viewing pleasure. Now we're not sure what it's up to these days besides eating, but we sure as hell remember the bitch for her rank wardrobe choices. According to sources she actually employs a stylist but we don't know of any respectable stylist who would pull a dress from Frederick's of Hollywood (Ann Summers for English people) and put it on someone for a red carpet event. Well maybe not red, we are only talking about Vanessa Feltz here.

[Image via BIG PICTURE]

ALL BLACK ONLY WORKS IF YOU'RE NOT OBESE

Good old Lauren Goodger is a crafty bitch cause it thinks that by wearing black the whole world (well the south of England) will think she looks smaller. Yeah well you didn't fool us Miss Piggy and we hate to play up to our bully rep but this bitch really is a mess crying for help. The former reality star was seen walking around London at night and even the pavements were crying as they tried to withstand the weight. We also don't get why this thing doesn't own a mirror cause her face is saying Stevie Wonder, but her neck is making us think of Bjork so maybe she should rethink her make-up? Oh dear honey just admit that those thighs were not made for leggings and go buy a hammock.

[Image via FLYNET]