5-6-7-8 I'M A FUCKIN' DOG

Urgh fuckin' hell! We didn't even Photoshop this picture and we feel sick. That's how truly DOG rough faded star (never one anyway) Lisa Scott Lee has gotten lately. She was never no oil painting bless her, but she's always had that cheap slapper that gets her tits out fut lads (for a tenner cause she's got kids to feed now) look about her. It puzzles us that even when she's all dolled up for EXCLUSIVE events like Lidl store openings, she still manages to look like she's been fucked 50 times and then spat on. If her career couldn't stoop any lower, then last week may have been the final job (and 50 quid) to push her over the edge. She was pictured above singing Steps hits (fuckin' hell love it were 30 year ago) to the crowd at some festival no one gives a shit about in Great Yarmouth. With a nostril her size we're pretty sure we could fit a cock up it. Anyone wanna bet?

[Image via LISA'S MUM]

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BIG MAC

We are severely confused over at The Sizzling Mess. We DO NOT understand how diva pig Mariah Carey STILL hasn't shifted any of that baby weight? The whale/drag queen was pictured performing a TV special in honor of Obama (yes he's unfortunately still the President) and frankly she looked like she still had another couple babies to shit out. To top it all off, we learned that her stylist couldn't even find her a dress that fit, so they took desperate measures and bought 300 meters of red lace and voila you have the STUNNING creation seen above.

[Image via GETTY]

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL DOG

Wow, this is a whole new level of a "celebrity" without make-up. Don't be confused readers, this isn't Katy Perry's down-syndrome twin sister, it's just what the starlet looks like minus 3 hours of hair and slap. The dirty bitch posted this pic of herself via Twitter whilst getting a colonic irrigation. We guess this is also her sex face when Russell Brand plays with her fart box? Urgh the rank hair, blotchy pale skin and forehead wrinkles just screams HOT MESS in need of major assistance. We're glad we don't have to wake up next to this dog in the morning!

[Image via WENN/TWITTER]

THE TOOTH FAIRY CAN SING

Now this bitch ain't crazy fugly, but FUCK does she have some teeth on her! English singer Natasha Bedingfield performed an "intimate set" (code for she's too shit for arenas) in LA last week and her mess of a face and nasty lookin' birds nest hair did most of the talking. We think her hairstylist and dentist must hate her, cause these are the results of using a gallon of hairspray and not being educated about dental options available to those who resemble Bugs Bunny. We're guessing her boyfriend must shit a brick whenever she's in the mood to give him a gob job. If not then he MUST be partially blind. We know she's wishing that microphone was a carrot instead.

[Image via WENN]

OOPS...SHE'S EATEN TOO MUCH AGAIN!

Judging by the latest photos from Britney Spears' new tour, it's pretty clear that instead of working out like a bastard she opted to stuff her face like a fat bitch and this is why you're seeing a semi-beached whale. We wish the TALENTED vocalist would get her shit together once and for all and just stop fuckin' eating. Pigs might fly before that happens though. On top of her mess of a body, stretch marks and Primark outfits, our sources claim she took a coffee/doughnut break every 30 minutes to re-energize herself. Mmm for what exactly? We know that lip-syncing must really take it's toll on the vocal cords. If however her spokesperson announces that she's up the duff in the near future then we're sincerely apologize for this post. Fat bitch.

[Image via SPLASH]

FREE WILLY'S YOUTUBE DEBUT

Holy FUCK balls is pretty much all we have to say to the above video. Now we know it's not nice to lower people's self-esteem for kicks, but we physically CANNOT hold back when it comes to this MESS of a being. We kinda liked it's singing but we're not sure it's breathing properly to best support those beautiful notes. We're guessing that maybe a Big Mac is lodged in her throat or something? We know she's just a kid/beached whale, but Ke$ha better watch out cause it looks like this fitch (fat bitch) means business! According to the rumor mill she'll be going by her professional name Lady Lard and her new album Blow Hole is out later this year. We wish you all the best love!

ONCE A FATTY ALWAYS A FATTY

We're confused after seeing this photo of STUNNER Kelly Osbourne who's apparently supposed to be skinny now. On top of her fucking MESS of an outfit, bobble head and thunder thighs, the TALENTED star (fat bitch) was rockin' a fugly ass pig nose on the red carpet. We don't quite get what she does to stay relevant besides pretending to know a shit load about fashion. On the upside, Kel is apparently getting her own character on Farmville in the near future...boink!

[Image via WIRE]

IT'S JUST MONEY ENNIT

Now we ain't sayin' this bitch is a mess cause she's SHIT hot, but one thing that AMAZING actress Jennifer Aniston didn't always have were slim thighs. Judging by the oldies we found above which were taken in around '96, it's clear that her ass could have easily cracked a walnut or two back in the day. Isn't it great when celebs tell the truth about how they were just 'blessed' with good genes and shit like that? Come on Jen, we all know the secret to that body is making yourself throw up after every meal. If money's also the key then what the fuck is Khloe Kardashian's excuse?

[Image via WIRE]

MUTTON DRESSED AS MUTTON

We secretly hoped that Kim Kardashian was gonna wear some mess of a wedding gown by Skechers but this shits a whole lot better! Just leave it to SHIT HOT fess (fucking mess) Lindsay Lohan to show up to your wedding a half an hour before her shift starts on Hollywood Boulevard. For those of you who aren't well-versed in the world of Lohan, that isn't her sister or colleague next to her - it's her BEYOND classy mom (manager) Dina Lohan. Doesn't saying Dina over and over just sound like pure class in itself? These two look like a pair of fuckin' has-been hookers and Lindsay what the FUCK is up with your bloated porn star pig face?

[Image via SPLASH]

NEW GENERATION WORKOUT

Over at The Sizzling Mess we struggled to watch this clip from South Park without pissing ourselves with laughter, but what we really can't believe is that they actually exist for regular people (sluts in need of hand job practice) to purchase! We're not sure if the real version actually releases a "cool down spray" upon workout completion, but if it does we're hoping it's water! Maybe this will be the next product that Kim Karadashian lends her name to?

BIG REWARD FOR A LOST DOG

We must admit that watching Duchess Fergie on her OWN show made us feel an ounce of sympathy, but FUCK she really does look like a drained old ginga slapper that's way past it's sell-by date. The (desperate) former Princess cried throughout most of the show and quite frankly bored us after five minutes. We waited and waited but there was no fun finale or any scenes where she let random strangers fuck her in exchange for 50 bucks. Girl, you need to start earning your own money!

[Image via SPLASH]

COCO THE FUCKIN' CLOWN

Oh Sonja darlin', why do you keep on leavin' the house without that Lidl bag over ya head? You know you're gonna get lots of press with that STUNNING face girl! Anyway, cheap-lookin' gal (questionable) Natalie Cassidy looked like a fucking clown in drag when she (he/it) appeared on award-winning chat show Loose Women (aka The View gone wrong). We guess that now Eastenders is over all she can afford to wear for press appearances are 'over sized' white shirts from Primark. As long as that mess of a body is covered up we'll be happy love!

[Image via KEN MCKAY/REX]

IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF HOCUS POCUS

HOLY FUCK balls was our initial reaction to this photo of (fashion icon) Sarah Jessica Parker. This HAS to be THE fugliest looking thing living on the island of Manhattan, but STUNNER SJP didn't seem to care as she was walking the streets of NYC after her witch craft lesson. But wait, her FUG level don't stop there people. Sources claim there's evidence to suggest that SJP actually resembles a human foot (we kid not), and several studies also indicate that she is part human, part TROLL. Perhaps she's hinting to Disney producers that's she's up for doing a sequel to Hocus Pocus?

[Image via WIRE]

JESS DA VOCAL MESS

This is a variety of "mess" that we've not yet ventured into, but once again Jessica Simpson leaves us with no choice. At least Jess only has one chin here, but the real focus (besides her now obese frame) is her AMAZING vocal ability. We've always thought of her as the hotter, poor man's version of Xtina, but why does it look/sound like she's climaxing when she "sings"...? Don't forget to note the BEAUTIFUL facial expressions she makes whilst singing (pushing out a turd) that would look more at home in a commercial for Pepto-Bismol.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Now we've never really been that bothered when it comes to "singer" LeAnn Rimes, but what truly makes us interested in her is the fact that she ain't no oil panting whether she's dressed up or down. We get that she's a total health freak (bulimic in denial), but even after shedding 50 pounds (much needed), she still resembles an extra from Planet Of The Apes. In our minds she seems about 46, but she's actually just 28. Rather hard to believe if you ask us. Anyhoo here she is looking like a ugly duckling that is trying to convince the world she's a swan. B+ for the outfit though.

[Image via SPLASH]