STEPS TRAGEDY IN MANCHESTER

We know you could easily confuse the above photo to be melted lard in a bin liner, but it is in fact former Steps star Claire Richards aka cheap tart who got lucky. The crappy 90s pop band are unfortunately reuniting for a greatest (shittest) hits album and were doing promo in Manchester. We don't get why they're embarrassing themselves and to add insult to injury only 100 fans showed up, of which 50 were paparazzi and the other 50 friends and family. Claire ain't foolin' anyone with that "add a belt to ya dress to give yourself a waist" trick either. Listen up love, when you look like flubber there ain't no point in even trying. Just go home, stick in an old Steps album and eat ya feelings. We'll be nice and give the lass some credit for her glittery River Island shoes. Apparently she was eying a pair of Jimmy Choo's but money ennit.

[Image via FLYNET]

FROM THE HILLS TO HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD

Looking back in time we really did think that Heidi Montag was a cute little thing, but FUCK it's looking rough lately. The $5 hooker was pictured at some crappy event in Vegas and she looked a right trollop on the red carpet. We're loving her puffy fish lips too...you'd never guess she was the poster girl for surgery gone wrong would you?

[Image via HEIDI'S PIMP]

DANCING WITH THE FATTIES

Wow, we all know that when you think of your favorite competitive ballroom dancers, Lacey Schwimmer comes straight to mind. The two-tonne heffer was pictured wobbling around LA and boy oh boy it's built like a brick shit house. We certainly ain't envious of those slimline thighs and stunnin' saddle bags. For some reason we think she'd be good in a Christmas movie, cause she kinda has elf-like features no?

[Image via INF]

XTINA'S ASS WOULD ROCK MJ'S WORLD

Ooo super talented heffer Christina Aguilera is pretty much askin' for it now. The beached whale was photographed performing at the Michael Jackson Tribute concert in Wales over the weekend and it looked like a bloated pig in drag. We're not entirely sure what's going on with her STUNNING hair, cause it looked like a birds nest covered in cum. Her stylist once again put her in an outfit that was 30 sizes too small, and voila the result is an ensemble that resembles trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. We can't be sure but is Xtina trying to catch food in the right pic? At the end of the day we've got lotsa love for this CLASSY bitch!

[Image via GETTY]

BEST MAKEUP AWARD GOES TO...

Urgh skank bitch actress Paz De La Huerta aka the dirty lookin' import was looking fucking NASTY at this years Emmy Awards. To be honest, we're shocked that she paid to look like she'd been rimming a gorilla's shitbox and it's hair looked like a lesbo skunk that'd been fucked and shaved. Maybe next time you shouldn't match your lip color to your turd color sweetie.

[Image via SPLASH]

WALKING TAKES MY BREATH AWAY

We love a bit of Jessica Simpson, but FUCK it really looks like she's ditched the calorie counting for good. The bloated whale was pictured on a walk (shocker) in Texas and her male friend was carrying what looked like a snack...those fatties are sneaky bastards. We wish she'd just be honest with herself and wear a tent with the words "I'm really insecure about my body" written across it. On a slightly more alarming note, it appears her overeating has spun outta control as she's missing her left hand.

[Image via COLEMAN-RAYNER]

I'M REALLY NOT INSECURE...HONEST!

Holy shit balls! What the ACTUAL fuck has Jodie Marsh done to herself? The former glamour model aka poor man's Jordan (urgh that is low) has now turned to female bodybuilding to make a living and IT looks fucking horrific. Aside from looking like an Ethiopian tranny with a six pack, Jodie has just ruined the semi-nice figure she once had. We kinda feel sad for her cause she's deluded if she thinks she looks even close to good.

[Image via TWITTER]

FAR FROM MAGNIFIQUE

Urgh, this dog with downs is takin' the piss now cause she's left her house more than twice in one week. Natalie Cassidy was pictured leaving the gym (we're serious) in Manchester and IT looked a right FATE (fat state). We don't know who she's trying to kid with a top saying "magnifique" cause the dog is far from it. Her personal trainer who prefers to remain nameless revealed to The Sizzling Mess that she "brings Pedigree treats to most sessions" and on occasion when she finishes her cardio "gets on all fours and begs for a treat". What a fucking RANK handbag too.

[Image via GOFF]

AMERICAN IDOL MEETS JUNGLE BOOK

Although we are most definitely NOT racist, we are biting our tongues with this one of fess (fucking mess) Jennifer Hudson. We can't quite believe it's the same girl (thing) and once again like every mess we've posted about lately, we reckon we could fuck this bitches nostrils too. Ooo it really does look fuckin' DOG rough though and that $5 wig belongs on a scarecrow. Ennit crazy what make up can do!

[Image via WENN/PEOPLE]